It’s Gray Outside

Dear God,

Listen. I know the only reason Portland isn’t the most populous city in the nation is due to our rain. We get lots of it. I get it. I grew up here, for pete’s sake, and I don’t really know anything else.

But for three months out of the year, from July 5th to mid-September, Oregon is supposed to have the most beautiful summer on Earth. It’s supposed to be green and warm (occasionally hot), and all the Californians that visit are supposed to think, “Gee, it’s so cheap…why don’t I just move here?”

I’m glad you’re keeping the last thing from happening, but is it too much to ask for just a week or two of 90 degree weather and blue skies? It is August, for crying out loud. I get global warming is bad and all, but can’t you just let us enjoy some of the benefits? Pretty soon, the rain’s going to start again, and it’s not going to stop. My fiancee may start wondering if she should even be here, and then she’s going to apply for residencies in places like Denver and San Diego. Can’t You meet me halfway here?

Also, if it’s still raining every few days, and it’s not even that hot, why is the grass turning brown. What is going on?

In Jesus’ name, amen.

P.S. If you’re punishing me for that time in 7th grade when I touched my privates, I’m pretty sure I asked for forgiveness.