The Summer of ’07

Scandal. Intrigue. Fajitas. These are the words that will live forever in our memories when we think back to the summer of 2007.

In a world saturated with headlines and expert opinions, it’s easy to forget what dominated the news three days ago, never mind remembering what happened in June. With that in mind, I decided to take a look back at the headlines and stories of the past three months so that we would never forget the magic that was the summer of 2007.
Oh, and just because I can, I threw in some of my own personal highlights of the summer as well.

June 1 – Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano and catcher Michael Barrett partake in the age-old practice of beating each other up in their dugout during a game. Less than a month later, following another dugout skirmish with Cubs pitcher Rich Hill, Barrett is traded to the Padres for a pack of sunflower seeds. After hearing the news of Barrett’s departure, Zambrano and Hill beat each other up just for the fun of it.

June 3 – Two days after accepting a head-coaching job with the NBA’s Orlando Magic, Billy Donovan reneges and goes back to the University of Florida. Orlando agrees to let him out of the deal, as long as he stays out of the NBA for the next 5 years and agrees to get rid of that slicked-back greasy Pat Riley hairstyle.

June 9 – Firmly entrenched in his second term as president of the local church softball league, Bryan Allain strongly considers resigning from his post after one manager files a complaint that a fan of an opposing team was “blasting sexular [sic] music loudly from his car, upsetting our players and fans”. (I wish I could tell you that I made this item up for a laugh but sadly I actually got this complaint.)

June 17 – Tiger Woods’ physique is so ripped at the U.S. Open at Oakmont that many spectators mistake him for World’s Strongest Man contestant Magnus Ver Magnussen. At one point, after catching a glance of himself in a mirror, Woods mistakes himself for Ver Magnussen and pulls a tractor-trailer from Pittsburgh to Cincinnati.

June 20 – Texas Rangers slugger Sammy Sosa hits career home run number 600 off of pitcher Jason Marquis. Sosa is so full of joy as he rounds the base paths that it starts leaking out of the needle holes in his butt and leaves him with huge joy-stains on the backside of his uniform pants.

June 25 – Hungry from skipping lunch, Bryan Allain breaks the World Record for fastest consumption of Chili’s steak and portobello fajitas, devouring his entire meal in 3 minutes and 27 seconds. Later that night he also breaks the record for “Most Complaining about a Stomach Ache to an Annoyed Wife” and “Fastest Trip of Chili’s Fajitas Through the Upper and Lower Intestinal Tract”.

June 28 – The Portland Trailblazers, using the first pick in the NBA draft that they improbably won in the lottery, take Ohio State center Greg Oden. In a related story, paperwork is finally completed that transfers official ownership of Burnside Writer’s Collective editor Jordan Green’s soul over to the Prince of Darkness. “This was a great day for the Underworld”, said Lucifer, “we’ve coveted Jordan’s soul for quite some time.” God was not available for comment, but did leave us with a puzzling note that said, “I’m sorry about what will happen on the 13th of September”.

July 7 – Wearing runners bib #102, Bryan Allain finishes his first ever 5K run in a respectable 25 minutes and 52 seconds. In an even more impressive show of athleticism, he employs some fancy footwork to narrowly escape the projectile vomit that runner # 219 unleashes at his feet at the finish line.

July 8 – Roger Federer defeats Rafael Nadal in a 5-set marathon match to win his fifth straight Wimbledon Title. Those who didn’t watch the event missed out on an instant classic. Those who did watch the event could probably all fit into an Applebee’s restaurant.

July 9 – In a story that ESPN somehow let fall through the cracks, centerfielder Bryan Allain’s last-inning, bases-loaded triple keys his softball team to a 14-13 comeback win over the Warriors of the United Modified Church Softball League. The clutch hit was a rare highlight for Allain in a 2007 season that saw him hit like a blindfolded National League pitcher.

July 11 – The NCAA demands that Oklahoma football “vacate” its 2005 wins as a penalty for rules violations by the school’s athletic department. In a move with equal weight and significance, a mother in Boise, Idaho demands that her 10-year old son forgets how yummy the lollipop was that he took from his sister two weeks earlier.

July 17 – Detroit Tigers DH Gary Sheffield appears on HBO’s Real Sports and says that New York Yankees manager Joe Torre treats black players differently than he treats white players, adding that he feels that Joe Torre is not a racist. Sheffield also mentioned that he loves to eat meat and drink liquid that comes from oranges but he is a vegan and hates orange juice.

July 18 -Atlanta Falcons uber-star QB Michael Vick is served a federal indictment on charges related to dog fighting and gambling. (You see that, you totally forgot about this story didn’t you? I bet the last time you heard anything about this story was on July 18th, wasn’t it? Funny how the media really didn’t cover this story at all.)

July 19 – Four-year old Parker Allain is treated by the team trainer (his mom) for a bloody lip when, in an attempt to tackle his father in a game of living room football, he completely misses and falls face first onto the ground. After a terrible scolding from the team trainer, Parker’s dad promises that he will never again bait his son with “Come and get me!” only to jump out of the way at the last second. Parker’s dad is given a 3-game couch suspension, which he did not appeal.

July 20 – Reports begin to circulate that NBA Referee Tim Donaghy is being investigated for fixing NBA games for the mafia in connection with a gambling probe. NBA Commissioner David Stern spends the entire morning throwing up in the fetal position.

July 24 – Craig Biggio, the Houston Astros player who has been hit by more pitches than anyone else in the modern-era, announces that he will retire after the 2007 MLB Season. When asked what he plans on doing with the next 10 years of his life he responds, “a very long, very hot bath.”

July 29 – Former MLB greats Cal Ripken and Tony Gwynn are enshrined into the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York. Minutes before the ceremony a violent brawl erupts on stage when Gwynn notices a half-eaten Snickers bar in Ripken’s pocket and jumps him for it. Despite breaking the orbital bone under his left eye and 21 of 24 ribs, Ripken still delivers a riveting acceptance speech to the crowd, keeping alive his streak of 849 consecutive riveting speeches made.

July 31 -Minnesota Timberwolves star Kevin Garnett is traded to the Celtics, giving hope to Boston basketball fans that the troika of Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and Garnett will help push the once proud franchise deep into the NBA Playoffs. In exchange for Garnett, Timberwolves fans receive the distinction of “Fan Base with Least Amount of Hope”.

August 3 – Los Angeles’ Clippers forward Elton Brand ruptures his achilles tendon and will miss the entire 2007-2008 basketball season. “We’re used to draft disasters and losing seasons, “said one Clippers fan, “but we’ve never been screwed over like this in August before.” In a related story, being a Clippers fan has officially become a year-round disaster.

August 7 -San Francisco Giants OF Barry Bonds hits home run number 756 of his career, eclipsing the mark set by Hank Aaron. Waves of joy wash over the entire nation as he circles the base path because we can all finally move on with our lives and get away from this story.

August 9 – St. Louis Cardinals’ outfielder Rick Ankiel, famous for throwing seven wild pitches in a playoff game when he was a pitcher, completes an astounding comeback to the big leagues as a position player by hitting 3 home runs on the day he is called up to play for the club. It’s days like these that restore your faith in sports and in the American people. Thanks Rick Ankiel for doing this the right way!

August 11 – In what he would later call “the low point of my competitive card-playing career”, Bryan Allain loses three consecutive games of Go Fish to his 6-year old daughter Kylie. When asked for a quote regarding her victory, Kylie said, “What does ‘regarding’ mean?”

August 12 - Tiger Woods wins the PGA Championship, the 13th major victory of his career. When asked how he felt coming into the tournament he said, “rich”.

August 14 – Atlanta Braves skipper Bobby Cox sets a new Major League Baseball record when he is ejected from a game for the 132nd time. When asked if he was proud to hold the record, Cox kicked pretend dirt onto the reporter’s shoes, hurled a volley of spit-laced invectives into his face, and stormed out of the locker room and back onto the field.

August 15 – Los Angeles Galaxy MF David Beckham scores his first MLS goal, prompting thousands of bloggers around the country to whip out their best “nobody cares about soccer” jokes (the best joke of the day, blogged by a 13-year-old from Madison, Wisconsin, included a pair of handcuffs, a furby and a bottle of extra virgin olive oil. In the interest of decency, we are not able to reproduce the joke here).

August 18 - Celebrating a David Ortiz grand slam in a 10-5 Red Sox defeat of the Angels, Bryan Allain hyper-extends his elbow from excessive fist pumping, landing himself on the 15-day disabled list. The injury would have kept Bryan from playing in the semi-finals of the softball playoffs had he not already eliminated his team from contention by flying out to end a 10-8 loss to the Petra Fellowship Rockies. Clearly Bryan is still bitter about his performance this year.

August 22 – The Texas Rangers have some in game batting practice against the Baltimore Orioles, beating them 30-3 at Oriole Park at Camden Yards in Baltimore. The drubbing marked the first time in MLB history that the combined score of both teams was greater than the attendance figure.

August 27 - Michael Vick officially pleads guilty to charges of dog fighting and gambling across state lines, ushering in the Joey Harrington era in Atlanta. With Harrington in place as the Falcon’s QB, the title of ‘Fan Base with Least Amount of Hope’ is ripped from TWolves fans and immediately bestowed on fans of the Falcons.

It sure was a magical summer wasn’t it?

From fighting dogs to fighting teammates, breaking records to breaking ribs, it was a summer we won’t soon forget. Not until next week, anyway.