She
Essays, Featured — By Sarah Thebarge on September 23, 2009 at 12:00 am
One of the hardest things about being a girl is it doesn’t get easier with time.
Sometimes, like when you go through a break-up or gain ten pounds or have a sudden surge of hormones, it gets harder. But it never seems to get easier.
The ideals competing for women’s attention seem mutually exclusive. The femininity of fairy tales clashes with the feistiness of feminism. Either women need men to rescue them, or they don’t need men at all. Either women are supposed to establish careers, or they’re not to work outside of the home. Either being a wife and a mother means everything, or it doesn’t mean anything.
Every day I see this contradiction – not just in society, but in myself. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear Gloria Steinem and Cinderella were duking it out in my head.
I am logical, confident, and independent. And at the very same time, I’m fragile and insecure and emotional. I am at a loss to explain this paradox.
I also can’t explain why, as girls, we spend our childhood learning all the classic fairy tales, and as women we spend our adulthood trying to unlearn them.
Though I have to say, I’ve known for a long time now that Goldilocks was a fabrication. Not because bears don’t talk, but because I’ve never met a girl for whom anything – whether it’s a relationship or a pair of jeans or her own skin – feels just right.
15 Comments
Sarah, this was wonderful. I absolutley loved it, and completley identified with it, thank you.
I really like that Gloria Steinem quote about the fish and bicycle, but yet, everytime I use it someone accuses me of being a lesbian. As if your only options are needing a man to define you or a woman to define you. Some people just don’t understand that independence is a virtue I guess.
Sarah, thanks very much for this. It’s stunning. Every man who is, or plans to be, a father to a daughter, or a husband to a wife, or a friend to a female, or a brother to a sister, needs to read this. And since I am already in all 4 categories, I am saving it to read repeatedly.
Wow. Thank you. I think we are soulmates.
I have never heard anyone describe my experiences as a women so well.
Thank you.
That was wonderful. I am very much going through the same process of having Gloria and Cinderalla duking it out in my head. Its so nice to know that others feel the same, and that there are no easy answers for feeling whole as a woman.
Thank you.
Oh, Sarah, you put so much of what I’ve thought into words. I feel like we get pushed and pulled in so many directions. I’ve *never* been good at domestic arts, and didn’t even know how to do my own laundry until I was 19 (a boy scout at the backpacking camp I was working at had to show me). And I was happy with being independent and not knowing how to cook, even after marriage, right up until I joined a church where all the women stayed home with their children and homeschooled. And I wanted that for myself, too; and then I found out that I would have fertility problems
It was heartbreaking, and so I spent a lot of time being angry at this life I couldn’t have. After a few years, we miraculously got pregnant, and in the course of that situation, I realized that I really was happier at work, contributing to my family’s finances, and it’s true- I suck at domesticity. So we hired a nanny … who yesterday proceeded to tell us that the house was too dirty 
You just can’t win (especially with parquet floors!) … I’m so glad you wrote this- its timing was perfect for me. Thank you!
Yeah, in agreement with the previous comments, this was a fantastically written piece. Thanks for your insights into womanhood/personhood. Loved depictions of the tension you’ve felt and the unanswered questions you have that all seem to be under-girded with a balance and trust.
Sarah~
I love it. You’re such a beautiful writer and an even more beautiful person. Never stop exploring your life and yourself!
Sarah, I think you’ve articulated how many (if not most) women feel. Thank you for being vulnerable in this essay, and for showing the rest of us that we aren’t alone.
Wonderful piece. I think most North American women can probably relate to this article. What I appreciated most was how well you articulated the feeling that “The ideals competing for women’s attention seem mutually exclusive.” I, too, feel like I have to choose between being an academic and being a mother — it doesn’t seem viable to be both. Thanks for your honesty.
I really loved this. It’s what I needed to organize my thoughts for a research project I’m doing on feminism. Sadly though, I still have no effing clue how to be a woman (that sounds so sappy). Thanks so much for telling us your story.
….Our brilliant Sarah … more to come, folks, more to come!
rock on!
Thank you so much for sharing this essay. I felt like you were reading my mail! I believe the struggle between the two is very real, very common yet very overlooked and under talked about! Thank you again for sharing!
This was great, Sarah. Really. Thank you for sharing this.
Well, no, Excellently, said! i certainly couldn’t've said it better myself.