A Father Who Doesn’t Rescue
Essays — By Russ Masterson on October 6, 2009 at 12:00 pm
He was big. Like a vending machine. And as black as coal. I don’t mention that because I’m racist, because I don’t think I am. I mention it because he was. His eyes were sunken into his skull and the whites around his dark pupils burst with brightness by contrast.
My one-year-old daughter knew something was askew. The scene was familiar. This big black man, this little room. Noisy paper on a padded bench. As we walked in the black man opened his mouth to let out the gentlest voice I’ve heard in years, the surprise of a Mike Tyson voice. He kindly asked me to have a seat on the wooden stool holding little Josie still in my lap. She sat quiet and content, pondering but unable to recall the horror that occurred last time she was here.
The nurse and I reviewed what vaccines she needed. He loaded the vaccine into the needle, walked close, and slid it into her leg, her fair skin giving way to the piercing needle. Two seconds of nothing. Then a sheer cry. Her tiny bottom lip firmly poked out and quivered. Her eyes filled with tears and they overflowed, barreling down her checks, falling off her chin, forming a wet spot on my shorts. Before Josie could recover from the first shot, the nurse slid the second needle into her other thigh. Her back arched as she lay across my lap. She wailed and forcefully attempted to move out of my lap. I had her pinned against my legs. There was nowhere to go. She looked straight up into my eyes from her imprisonment. Why would Daddy let this happen to me? Why would he help this pain giver? I returned her look without an answer she could understand, hoping for trust.
I wondered if her mind skipped to the last time such pain filled her precious body. It was just a few days before. She was staggering, as she often does in these days of perfecting the walk, down the white sand beach towards the waves. I was at the bottom and had become a bit careless as she had accepted the rules of this game – down the sand, water on the feet, turn around, walk back up the sand. This time she didn’t obey the rules, and I wasn’t looking, admiring the mindless work of some college guys who were impressively digging a hot-tub-size hole in the middle of the beach. The wave upended Josie leveling her to the wet sand with a second small wave coming quick to push more salt water into her lungs. Within a millionth of a nanosecond I scooped her out of the water. She coughed, shook her head, scrunched her nose, and wiggled to get out of my arms, ready to take on some more waves.
I imagine it’s confusing for her – it is for me. A loving father who sometimes rescues and at other times doesn’t. I don’t think she can understand these things. She will join the rest of us in a lifetime of trying. For now, Josie lives in the simplicity that if something hurts. avoid it. I usually live with that ideal as well.
After the nurse withdrew the second needle, and her legs throbbed with pain, she frantically climbed to my neck burying her red wet face into my chest. I thanked the nurse, shook his hand, and we left. Our next appointment is in two weeks.
32 Comments
Captivating! Really makes you think of what really goes on in their little minds. We think life is hard for us. Nothing can compare to the day to day lives of the little ones we have running around. They are precious. It is sad when they are hurting. All we can do is be there, comfort them, and let them know they are loved.
Great job, Russ!
Great article, Russ! Jess and I really enjoyed this reminder that God has a purpose in our pain.
It’s a tough reminder but something we can’t ignore, we try but can’t. The reality of life in this world doesn’t allow us to ignore it, though TV can help for awhile.
Good stuff.
You wrote such truth! Keep on writing, is such an encouragement
Great word, Russ! I could really “see” these things happening. Blessings!
Russ, you are so gifted – first as a father and husband; 2nd as a writer! I felt like I was there with you and little Josie during both experiences you so beautifully and painfully described. Keep burning the midnight oil – many of us are blessed because of it.
Dude you are one of the most articulate dudes around! Not only are you an amazing speaker but you are an amazing writer! I felt like I was in the story. You painted each scene of the story so perfectly. You are the man.
Dave…how much money do you want me to send you for those nice comments?
Very appropriate in this economy as I’m sure there are many people eagerly awaiting God’s rescue in their lives. Why do some receive it and others not? Who knows? It’s His universe and our plans may not match up with His….BUT, He DOES have a plan.
This is such an amazing illustration of God’s love for us. What an incredibly thought provoking story! I loved it!
Russ, what a great picture of the earthly father you are and our heavenly fathera above. He allows things to happen that hurt, yet somehow we know that the hurt will only be for a short while, and that HE welcomes us back into his loving arms for comfort.
It makes me cry when I think of JO Jo crying in that moment, so much so that it makes me recall the time when we gave Kevin his shots and the look of betrayal that he had on his face. It hurt so bad that I never went back for Kristy and KC. Sorry guys, I just couldn’t take it.
Great stuff Russ, you make me proud!
so neat to hear your heart. great job! look forward to reading more.
This is beautiful, Russ.
Russ: I truly enjoyed reading and remembering time with Matt — every parent goes through that.
if we can only be child like — Josie clung to you for comfort even though you are also the one who held her down for the shots.
Too often when pain comes in our lives, we get angry at God & run the other way — at least until we realize that there is no other comfort but His! Thanks for reminding me to stay child like in my faith and dependence. Jenny
very touching and beautiful from the heart of a loving father..thanks for sharing
Wow, great job Russ. This writing both paints a perfect image of what you are describing and lets your mind think about the deeper meaning it holds. Thanks.
Hope to see you and your family around the holidays.
russ, what a touching and eloquently written piece. I love the glimpse into the moment and into your heart and mind. Absolutely beautiful… moving. thank you.
Russ, your article reminds me of the day I held my little 8 year old daughter during a spinal tap. My job was to “bend” her in the correct position and hold her there during the painful procedure. I will never forget her cries and my eyes are welling up as I write this. I never loved her more than that day. Wow, kinda like….
Thanks again, Joe
It is interesting that it is in pain and discomfort where we are capable of the most love.
Delightfully written reminder that true love is always doing the next best thing for the other person…even if it hurts.
Beautiful essay, my friend.
Russ,
I agree with the other comments out there. God’s character is mysterious by necessity; your allusion provides a platform that all of us can understand from His side. Truly embracing another’s perspective is such a powerful tool for love and appreciation. May He continue to lead you to lead others!
Cheers
Not surprised! You have a gift my child, one imparted by the creator! Thank you for striving to take hold of all that God created you for! Nothing has revealed to me more the heart of God than being a parent. May we all be as wise as Josie and cling to our heavenly father when we hurt without understanding! Both you and Kristy are a blessing to our family!
There are so many blogs out there that when you stop to actually read one, you just want to scan it, comment, and move on. I read yours slowly because it was different.
From a writing standpoint, you have a good balance of narrative and essay. Both are so powerful, but more often than not one chokes out the other. I think the charcoal description could stand by itself without an explanation that you’re racist. I think your last sentence is perfect. It is not only a great ending in general, but it refers back to you saying Josie is unable to recall the horror that occured last time she was there. It highlights the fact that we will be in Josie’s shoes with our Heavenly Father in 2 weeks, 2 days, for a lifetime.
From a spiritual standpoint, I like where you took your point. Unfortunately, I think christian circles try to answer the question, “Why would Daddy/God let this happen to me?,” with bible verses or history, etc.. which is often detramental because the actual answer is we don’t know. And you make the huge point that spirituality often entails confusion. A lifetime of trying to understand, but also a lifetime of God, like you with Josie, hoping we will trust.
I hope you are well. It has been too long. When I get back from studying (and eating delicious food multiple times a day) in Spain, I would like to see you and Kristy.
(rereading what I just wrote, it sounds like I wrote one (narrative/essay)choked out the other in what you wrote. I meant in general that happens a lot, but you had a great balance. sorry
So good Russ! What an awesome yet heavy role to play as a father…being a picture of the Father. You do it well. Oh and you write pretty good too:)
enjoyed reading this russ — thank you for sharing! a good reminder as we all hope for more trust
Loved this! Perfect example of how God knows the big picture and we can trust Him with the good and the bad knowing His perfect love for us in the midst of it all! By the way – love this site too! Thanks!
Hi Russ, touching indeed. Jesus learned obedience through suffering; he wasn’t rescued either until his work ws done. Hope your lovely little girl is getting better. Love and prayers. Keep in touch, Yours in His mighty grip, Pastor Bill Murdoch, Bellshill, Scotland
Russ, you have done a wonderful job showing how sometimes when we are experiencing pain, yet others are not, and we don’t understand why the Father is not rescuing us… why? We have to trust in His love, guidance, and plan for our lives. In a way your essay reminds me of the poem Footprints. Thanks, for revealing what our God has placed in your heart to share with us.
It’s exhausting to seek out knowledgeable folks on this topic, however you sound like you already know what you’re speaking about! Thanks