Emotional Porn: Usually Starring Sandra Bullock
Film — By Emily Timbol on October 29, 2009 at 12:00 pm
There is a verse in the Bible that says something I had always mistakenly credited to Confucius, or Bono, I wasn’t sure. Ecclesiastes 1:9 reads, “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.” I think that statement could not be truer than when applied to the phenomenon known as the romantic comedy (rom-com, if you will.) The few tired, over-used story lines that these films often rely on are as follows: the best friend is your soul-mate; the falling for the person you previously hated; the gardener/bag boy/maid falls in love with a celebrity; and, my favorite, contacts and a flatiron are all you need to make the nerd hot enough to love. Rarely does a romantic comedy have a plot that is anything but formulaic.
The biggest romantic movie ever, Titanic, brought in nearly two billion dollars and remains the top grossing film of all time. A movie that almost every viewer already knew the ending to has made more than any other film before or after in the 12 years since its release. As great an actor as Leonardo DiCaprio is, and as much as everyone loves seeing Kate Winslet naked, there is a greater reason for the success of this film and the hundreds of films like it: these films are emotional porn. I don’t know if you heard, but pornography is addictive. It grabs hold of us because it provides instant gratification for an urge that won’t go away. Sex is just one of these urges. The desires for companionship, intimacy, love, and approval can be just as powerful motivational drivers as sex. While usually sexual, pornography can be classified as anything that panders to our base desires. People can turn exercise, food, cleanliness, or even real estate into something unnaturally obsessive and exploitative.
Sex is not dirty when within the confines of marriage; porn just warps it into something sordid because, well, we were never meant to see other people doing it. Just as sex is not “wrong”, romantic comedies are not sinful in themselves (unless they’re starring Dane Cook); they only become porn when people use them to meet their emotional needs.
There is little doubt that porn is destructive. Just read some of the statistics at XXXchurch if you don’t think so. But lust and sin aside, porn destroys relationships because it inherently sets unreasonable expectations. While sexual porn sets an impossible physical and behavioral standard, emotional porn presents an unrealistic, utopian view of love. They’re both equally unhealthy to fixate on. The picture of relationship that emotional porn paints is between an unnaturally attractive man and woman who find that the answer to all their problems lies in the arms of each other (incidentally, that woman is usually Sandra Bullock.) If the romantic comedy picture of perfection is what we are aiming for in our relationships, it’s no wonder so many of us fail.
There is a deeper issue with these films than what appears on the surface. People are turning these movies into their emotional fulfillment instead of turning to God, the only one who can truly satisfy our needs. That’s not to say that we should all start going on romantic dates with Jesus (creepy) but that we should strive for Him to be the person who knows us most intimately, that we turn to for support, and whom we trust above all else. God does not have a relationship standard for which we have to meet, we just have to desire to be in that relationship with Him.
To quote a romantic comedy that doesn’t present love as something completely unrealistic, Tom Hansen in (500) Days of Summer says it best near the end of the movie, when he’s realized why his relationship failed:
“It’s…these movies, these pop songs. They’re responsible for all the lies, the heartache, everything!…People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, without some strangers putting words in their mouths. The truth.”
Let’s start speaking the truth, which is that no relationship on Earth is ever going to come close to the intimate and perfect marriage we will one day have with Christ. The relationships we do have here should be honored, cared for, and not held up to the impossible standard that Hollywood sets. Rom-coms are fantasies, and should be treated and enjoyed as such. As long as they aren’t starring Dane Cook.
32 Comments
You had me at rom-com…
She had me at porn.
That was the joke I wanted to tell, but didn’t want to come off as a pig.
oink.
Didn’t mean that as a slam on you.
I didn’t take it that way at all.
Oink.
At the risk of having to turn in my he-man membership card, I liked Titanic. I don’t tend to like rom-coms, especially unrealistic ones like The Lake House or Sleepless in Seattle or You’ve Got Mail. And of course, there is no “com” in Titanic. But I find it to be a nice parable of the Gospel, with the last scene, the restoration, where all things are made new again, to be especially meaningful.
In general, though, I get what you’re saying, Emily, and I agree. In general. Fantasizing can be very addictive and harmful to the soul. Emphasis on “can be”. It’s a case-by-case basis.
I’ll be over later today to collect your card. We’re gonna need your copies of Braveheart, Fight Club, and Gladiator, as well. It’s either that or the octagon.
While I completely agree, I think this problem is older than rom-coms. Human beings have long been idealizing human love and paying the price. The thing that’s changed, I think, is hour sense of entitlement. When marriage was more of a financial arrangement, I think people expected less. Of course, it’s great that we moved beyond that system, but now I think folks feel cheated if their relationships aren’t magical and dreamy. When I do couples therapy, helping people move past their disappointment and let go of the fantasy is the hardest part.
Thanks, Emily!
Insightful thought, Steve. I have never done pre-marital counsel for anyone, but wonder if what you just said wouldn’t be handy in counseling those about to get married, so their bubble doesn’t get burst too harshly once the honeymoon ends.
Steve, I’d like to ask you something. Please email me when you get a chance at
middletree
at
gmail.com
thanks
I like this piece, Emily. Chuck Klosterman wrote an essay in his book Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs (“This Is Emo”) that deals with this same idea of romantic comedies poisoning our ability to enjoy our own relationships (because we inevitably compare them against fictititious relationships like Lloyd Dobbler and Diane Court or Chandler Bing and Monica Geller). This piece picks up where Klosterman’s left off and adds a Christian perspective. Enjoyed it.
Good stuff! Totally enjoyed it.
Very insightful. I love reading what you’ve written here and in your blog.
Thanks for not putting your last name down. I appreciate the attempt to disguise yourself as a normal commenter. Love ya Mom.
You outed me.
Good stuff!! Fits right in with what I have been trying to drill into college students heads for the past 4 weeks.
Thanks!
Right on the money, Emily; and well-written. Man porn (visual) is destructive, but so is girl porn (emotional). Except that you don’t walk into 7-11 and get bombarded with girl-porn at the kiosk.
Oh, wait. They’ve got Twilight/New Moon Crap everywhere. forget that.
I would disagree on one point: “people are turning these movies into their emotional fulfillment instead of turning to God, the only one who can truly satisfy our needs.”
God gave us desires for intimacy, marriage and sex — with another human. But I wonder if God uses sex and romance to lure men and women into marriage; then we’re stuck having to love that other person sacrificially, refine our character, and prepare us for heaven.
Dang. Wish they would put THAT part in a movie.
“Sacrificially stuck” I think that is an excellent working title for a movie screenplay for an anti rom-com but I don’t think it would make it past the studio suits.
In regards to preparing for heaven, my theologically advanced and very loving on earth wife does remind me from time to time that since there is no marriage in heaven, she will keep her promise “till death to us part”, but after that all bets are off. She did say we can still be friends.
Emily darling,
How nice it must feel to have so many adoring comments. I must preface my remarks below by pointing out that anything one does to garner attention and praise in a public forum as at least some merit. Kudos, my beauty.
Nevertheless, the content of your piece is quite misguided. Romantic comedies provide excellent models to which all should aspire. Having written the script for Sleepless in Seattle myself, I take particular offense at some of your insinuations.
Should you ever wish to experience for yourself the sort of romance and excitement at which you feign such disdain, let me know. Arrangements can be made. Perhaps this way you won’t have to write such quaint drivel in order to garner attention.
A Prince B sighting! The conversion to Burnside 2.0 is finally complete.
The Prince of Darkness wrote Sleepless in Seattle?
I KNEW IT!
Ditto and well done to the article and all the comments.
Nicely written, insightful commentary honestly worded. It is refreshing when Christians write clearly about life with plain language highlighting a biblical perspective. Nicely done Emily.
Emily..just hold me in your arms and I know everything will be okay… except for when I let go and that car hits me…I guess I’ll find out you weren’t the answer to all my problems after all.
I’m addicted to rom-com porn – who woulda thought?
Great Job Emily – Can’t wait for the next published piece.
I thought this was a wonderful piece when I read it. I have reviewed many of the comments now and enjoyed them too. Revisiting this as a similar topic came up in another place and wanted to include some things I have learned here that may be of some help.
First let me say that when I first read this it reminded me of a similar topic that was discussed elsewhere. One person had commented how models, airbrushings and such give the wrong impression to men and create an ideal that is unfair. It also creates a terrible complexes for women and can lead to unhealthy practices like bulimia, anorexia, etc.
I had also commented the other side of the coin too. Society does this to men too. I mean what man can compete with Mel Gibson in movies where he so vigilantly fights for good, not too mention the rugged good looks. Throw in the fact that you don’t have to wake up with his bad morning breath, deal with him leaving the toilet seat up, or his awful table manners, where do I sign up? All the man needs now is a white horse and the shiny armor.
But seriously, even Jesus did not come to us with outward beauty that we should desire Him for such. Beauty is truly the essence of what is within a person. That fragrance from within.
And as the article said so wonderfully, our Lord is our answer and is truly better than our ideals (eye hath not seen nor ear hath heard…), even if in this present world it will come with some painful experiences. Yet what a light affliction in comparison to the glory that will be revealed in us…
That’s the higher ground found in Jesus that goes way above or neighbor to neighbor relationships. Accountability to him first for all areas of fulfillment. And its a relationship as we draw close to Him and grow in love and trust in Him. I personally can appreciate this article because I like to write on similar things, the neighbor to neighbor aspect and then the higher ground in Jesus. This I feel entails the two greatest commandments found in Chirst, by which all others are fulfilled.
My favorite Psalm is Psalm 45. Now that is a knight in shining armor.
An excerpt:
2 You are the most handsome of all.
Gracious words stream from your lips.
God himself has blessed you forever.
3 Put on your sword, O mighty warrior!
You are so glorious, so majestic!
4 In your majesty, ride out to victory,
defending truth, humility, and justice.
Anyway, wanted to elaborate on this topic if I may. The Lord has a wonderful way of giving me insights into his Word and things happening, as He does with others too.
But anyway, I remember one time being somewhere and something didn’t feel right. Whether it was some area off with me, or others, or both, God knows. I suspect a combo. I felt a pull that seemed off. When it comes down to it, anything that has a greater pull in our lives than the Lord is off. No condemnation and we are learning and growing, but that’s a simple way to detect these things. When it comes down to it, we just need to be intune with the Lord and our hearts. We really don’t need all this knowledge but the right heart connected to God’s. Knowledge does have its place, but as with everything else, it needs to be rooted in the heart of God in Jesus.
But anyway, so I have this dream that I believe was a God dream. I could be wrong as with some dreams it is more apparent and some not sure. And we are not taught and led by these things alone, even as God can first speak to us through them, for leading and teaching. Although they should be confirmed within us. To truly see and hear one is to be connected to Jesus-God’s manifested heart. But yes, God does use these things to speak to us, they can just be like anything else that if not viewed with his heart, is just viewing the surface.
Anyway, the dream:
In this dream I am sitting outside when some guy approaches me and invites me to go with him to this place. I saw a place also on the outside, it was like an outside restaurant bar thingy. This lady was on top of like a table or bar area in the center of the place and dressed in skimpies. So I was like, ‘Now why does this guy want to take me to a place like that?’ I mean he and others there will probably have unhealthy and carnal things in mind with this half naked woman dancing around. What respectable man would bring me to a place like that. These were the thoughts that were going in my head in the dream but I wasn’t certain of his intentions at heart.
And not to judge the woman because we can all go there at times. We live and learn and as we stay connected to the Lord’s heart, He can show us and lead us well.
Anyway, I was considering going but I had to go home first. On my way home two other women show up and I decide that it would be safe to go as they were going too and with the three of us it would be safer if something fishy was going on.
So we end up not in the outside place but some inside place instead. In the first room there were these half naked women that were using drugs. Think they were supplied with the drugs there. The room beyond that the women were laying in bed naked and drugged up. They had sheets on so didn’t actually see their nudity but knew they were naked too.
So, we were like, ‘Oh my goodness, we need to get outta here.’ We didn’t want to be drugged up and become like those naked women. I also knew that the men were using the women for their own selfish desires.
To me this whole picture speaks of the hunger and depravity in men and women and how it can turn out when we turn to each other instead of God. Whose to blame, the men or women? Well, at times others have a greater accountability but overall each is responsible to God first. May be that the men in their own depravity resorted to a type of emotional seduction and the women were willingly in their own depravity. And at times ignorance plays a role too. Thing is, these things can be painful to both parties. I began to pray for all periodically.
I will say also that although I could discern some things in the dream, the intentions of the men and women’s hearts were not revealed to me. Sometimes we can jump the gun and make our own assumptions there. Then we become negatively critical, pass our own judgements on deeper matters of the heart, and condemn. I know that is not for me to do and either way God is not condemning us for our deficiency but pointing us to his answer Jesus for healing (not saying we shouldn’t speak of surface details and the errors in those things, there is a difference). Men of their own accord find themselves condemned due to loving the darkness over the Light. I feel I am called to relate to the weaknesses of humanity and as such, interceed for them (as Jesus does). So, what I shared in the previous paragraph are things I sense can be the cause of such things. One needs revelation to know exactly what is going with whom.
Ok, continuing with the dream. So me and the other two ladies are now looking to get outta there. We look to continue to the back like for a back exit but I get a glimpse of the backyard and can see it fenced in where one seemed trapped there too. So we turn around and head for the front door. All the while we are concerned that we may be overcome by the men and become like these women. So as we proceed towards the front I am now watching the scene from like a view atop from like the air. I am still one of the women and like viewing it from atop now too. So then the woman to my right picks up a chair and wacks the guy behind her with it. I mean she just hit him with it good. My final thoughts before I woke up were, ‘If the three of us got together we can work together to not be overcome by the men there we have a good chance of not being overcome by them and getting out safely.’ I know her attack with the chair was not a malicious attack but one of being very concerned that she may be overcome and become like the other women so she did as a defensive thing.
We sometimes judge people’s attitudes and behavior as the real them too. The two greatest motivators are fear and love. Fear in the hands of a just God can be beneficial. But we who are in Christ are not to be living “in fear”. It can still serve as an outside warning, so to speak, when we have wandered from the love of God and our covering in Christ. Yet “in fear” is bondage and not our destiny. The fear of the Lord is surely the BEGINNING OF WISDOM, yet PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR.
And here is the thing. Considering I understood the feelings and thoughts of these other two women with me and we were in sinc there, I feel that they actually represent parts of me. They may have represented attitudes, concerns, gifts, equippings, etc. They aren’t the real me, but things I can walk with at times. I suspect the same applied to the men but I don’t know as their hearts and things along that line was not revealed to me so unless I have revelation there (insight into their situation from the Lord’s heart), I won’t go there, even as I may be able to speak of what I may see amiss on surface.
Anyway, we can see the dangers of engaging in activity that is not grounded in Jesus and the love of God, and that goes for all sides. And sometimes we may be coming from the right heart too but may need to take our hearts to the Lord for work on other issues of concern.
One also needs to be careful of unhealthy soul ties too. God can create those as we are first and foremost connect to Him at heart and soul, I’m reminded of pentecost and the unity amongst the brethren there. Yet when we seek our own way that stems from our own unfufilled needs, problems arise. We need to take these things to our bridegroom Jesus first and foremost. I call this getting shamelessly naked with the one that covers our nakedness. Going to others apart from Him can be likened to Spiritual adultery.
We speak alot about liberties and I am all for that but we have to remember that even when we come to Jesus, we still have freewill. Free will is not the answer, it is a tool to help us in our destiny in Christ. Freewill is not taken from us. The difference now is that we now are severed from the old life and EQUIPPED WITH THE DESIRE, WILL AND POWER, BY THE lORD’S SPIRIT, to follow after Him. A part of the new covenant blessings fulfilled in Jesus.
But we can still choose not to nuture that life and choose our own way. We can still choose to nuture lusts instead. And by lust I am not just speaking of it in a sexual context.
THIS I FEEL IS IMPORTANT AND HELPS A GREAT DEAL TO UNDERSTAND: Sin of itself is not the problem. Sin is the result of the problem. We can say it is the manifested fruit. The real problem lies in the will of man, the will that has chosen to go at it apart from God. Even someone that may be entangled in the carnal nature, that also constitutes a problem, still doesn’t have an excuse as He can turn to Jesus for healing. And no condemnation as we are progressing in Him. I call it “Progressive Insurance” in Christ.
I’m still not done (can you believe it??? hehe)……………I would also like to discuss a separate incident that I feel the Lord used to help confirm and further grow me in the area of heart condition.
Ok, this was an incident awhile back where I found myself indulging emotionally in that sense spoken of. I knew this wasn’t the way to go as I felt that unhealthy pull taking place. So I started to feel bad and guilty and thinking how I need to stop. As this is going on I have this vision of a hand and the point finger adamantly pointing to a bible. So I was like, ‘That’s it, I just need to think on the word of God and things of that nature.’ Well, I’ve never been good at listening to my head when my heart has the loudspeaker (or more prominent say as these things in this way is more then mental but a matter of the heart).
So I said, ‘Lord, forgive me but I am sorry I am feeling really depleted right now and if anything, I am taking you with me.’ So that is what I did. I shamelessly, openly and intimately shared with my Lord. Intimacy with God.
Can’t remember my exact words but took Him with me and poured out my heart to Him, believe also asking Him questions pertaining to it all. Either that night or by morning the spell was broken. Shortly afterwards I felt that I misunderstood what I was shown in that vision. I leave myself to being open to being wrong even now, and some I have shared that vision with do feel I may have had the interp right the first time but this is what I felt about it shortly after my experience and what I still feel about it now (even as I look to leave myself open to the Lord showing me I may be wrong).
I believe what God was trying to show me with that vision was organized religion at work and the guilt and condemning feelings that come with it. I needed more than “thinking on lovely things”. There is a place for that, but I needed more. I was depleted at heart. I needed a deeper connection with God, the lover of my heart and soul. So I shared openly and intimately with Him.
And please know I am not saying to go as I went in the sense of actions (beyond openness and intimacy with our Lord), especially if those thoughts have been fed continuously and progressed into the danger zone of things that can truly hurt others. Tie yourself to a post if need be until you can get deeper help. God knows every heart and present situation and can lead us within. We shouldn’t make rules of such things in regards to how to handle them but allow the Lord to reveal those deeper issues and liberate us from them as we take them to Him.
And this emotional adultery can and does look to return from time to time and this is where and when the lovely thought process then comes in and works. This is the place to cast down these imaginations and bring them into the obedience of Christ. But when they are already in the heart area, we need more than that.
I hear of people speak of teachers and such and as I have said before, I feel that a good deal of the conflicts and misunderstandings there stem from not seeing things in their proper place in the overall picture of Jesus. And that can be a misunderstanding not only by the audience, but the speaker too.
I liken it to keeping a vehicle running well. One performs regular maintenance on their vehicles so that the engine will have beneficial resources to work with and remain in good shape. This to me is likened to renewing the mind by the Word of God. Maintenance that will help our inner lives.
Yet if one has a bad piston in the engine (a heart issue), changing the spark plugs or giving it a flush won’t fix the piston. Can help the vehicle overall but one needs Master Mechanic Jesus by way of his Holy Spirit to work under the hood. He is the heart Healer. And then we still need the maintenance upkeep. Some teachers are more “maintenance upkeep” while others may be more regarding heart issues. Each has a place as they are found in Christ.
We have to remember that although the believer has the Lord’s Spirit in them and as such our recreated spirits / spiritual hearts are also equipped with the mind of Christ, we still have our unrenewed mental minds and our bodies have yet to be recreated. One day yes, but for now it serves to show that this glory and power that the Lord can manifest through us in our weaknesses, comes from Him, not us.
And I don’t claim to know it all and have it all right so do seek the Lord for yourself and hear him first on such matters.
I had one more thing I wanted to cover but forgot it now. Oh well, if I remember and feel it is revelant I will look to include.
And still don’t claim to know it all and have it all right so seek the Lord to be your Ultimate Teacher and Leader within.
Anyway, lots shared and things that may be known already but if it was helpful I am glad I shared.
Ok, I remember now. I feel the Lord did show me why I had ended up feeling as I did with my second story with the vision. At the time we were going through changes at work and I was quite busy. I was also feeling disconnected from other believers at the time. I hadn’t consciously realized where this was all heading as I was more intune with things happening at work. Yet these things became more apparent as they began to surface. And no condemnation. Live and learn and grow in Him.
Thank God for our “Progressive Insurance” in Jesus.
Love in Him,
Jo
One more before I go…the love of God is truly the power that destroys the idols in our hearts. What we love will have our hearts, thoughts, and time. And how wonderful the growth in that area is as I get shamelessly naked with my Lord, that one that covers my nakedness.
Read the previous post to get a fuller picture of what I was sharing.
Love in Him,
Jo
Taking time off for the holidays yet I wanted to include one more thing here.
I think it is safe to say that generally women are more emotionally inclined where men may be more vulnerable to take it in another direction (put it subtly for the little ears). It’s the way God made us for our roles in life, women being more the nuturer (spelling?) and men having their roles. You can see this too in how women generally prefer dialogue movies over car chases and such.
Think it was like a month later that I was talking to this believer that I know. Very nice guy, heart of gold, and hilarious. But anyway, he starts telling me about some fantasies, leaving out the sordid details when he tells me of this vision he has and the way he described it sounded like the same vision I had. I mean he mentioned the hand pointing to the bible, same vision. Knowing this person I know he has had some challenges with his desires and what he views and I do feel by what he’s relayed to me in the past that he suffers from guilt due to it. Something he’s tried to overcome.
Sidenote: I’ve known this guy for a long time, I wouldn’t recommend such conversations between any man and woman. I remember a clear case where I was going to step in to help this guy that was in real pain at the time and then he looked at me and I saw it in him, the clutches of perversion was ridden on his face and I knew it wasn’t for me to help him so I prayed instead (least I think and hope I did).
But back to this other guy, when he told me about the vision I wanted to say, “Dude, I believe that is religion at work and you just need to open your heart before the Lord, pour it out and tell him.” But for me it isn’t that easy with this person because his case is such a sensitive matter. I mean I have my serious concerns with what I communicate to him due to some really sensitive issues. And like I said, I am not sure if I was right, I just believe I was. Maybe the message is different for him, just felt it was the same. One day I hope to share, yet that was awhile ago and I still haven’t. Like I said, it’s sensitive.
But what we can communicate is that God made us human and this is part of human nature. No shame or condemnation, especially in our humanity and how God made us. We shouldn’t feel guilty and condemned for being human. Everything reconciled to Jesus is beautiful in its pure state. We were made for communion with God and each other. The problems arise when we put humans, or anything else for that matter, before God. Even as we can see where God may connect us, we shouldn’t look to make those deeper connections on our own (as I see it). Nothing wrong with looking to see where He may connect us, as I see it. To me the problems arise with those deeper connections on our own.
And if these unfulfilled needs aren’t taken to God to be dealt with, they can escalate. For a woman it may go to making some unwise choices, as in my dream. For men it can escalate to things I have seen like resorting to “peeping toms” (won’t give the sordid details) and as a male cop friend told me once about a particular peeping tom we dealt with (I thought he was trying to snatch some lady’s purse when I realized what he was doing), “If that guy doesn’t get help, in his frustrations he could resort to rape”.
God doesn’t take our liberties away, as I see it. We find ourselves ensnared due to our choices and ignoring Him. The law is still at work in society as a whole until God’s Kingdom, that starts wtihin each individual person, is fully established on Earth as it is in Heaven. Not hard to understand. We do the same in our own society on Earth for similar reasons. The cop (if he’s a decent cop) is not the bad guy, just as the law’s authoritarian, an enforcer of it. Thing is, the law can’t change even fallen man at heart. Jesus is the King of hearts and humanity’s answer. Where the law becomes a problem is when it is hi-jacked by the enemy of our souls, and our own ignorance, into thinking it is our answer. It is not, it leads to bondage if it is used that way.
You can tell when something is a deeper problem because it has an inner hold on you. God will warn us but if we ignore that warning we can find ourselves ensnared. Even so, as we take it to Him openly and without shame, He can and will sever that tie.
Merry Christmas everyone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRXDsbRQNlA&NR=1
I just read on the internet that Sandra Bullock goes to sleep with nine dogs in her bed. Sorry, but for me that isn’t healthy at all.
Thank you for this! Though this stuff serves the same function as porn, not enough people are warning women about it. I’m really glad to see others spreading the word lately.