The Miracle Worker

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Wandering downstairs to the corner coffee shop, I looked for a freshly poured mug to take from someone while they weren’t looking so that I might start my day. Fortunately I found a blind man getting ready to drink just such a cup.

Stepping quickly outside, the air seemed as brisk and clean as a robbery I once pulled. Flawless. I even dodged getting drenched by a passing car by utilizing a man in a wheel chair as a protective shield. Running at full stride to cross the street just before the light turned, I thought about the exact placement of the man. A single foot to the right or left and I would have been doused with a wave of mud and filth unimaginable. Mere coincidence?

I breathed the fresh air my pace quickened. Today’s routine would be no different than any other; a series of aimless wanderings to waste the day while others thought I was seeking employment. Yet, I felt like somehow God was involved now. Unfortunately as I would soon find out, so was bad luck.

I’ve never been one of those people who are constantly looking for a sign from heaven to tell them how to live. Usually I’ve just tried to go about my life and mind my own business, doing what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, regardless of the consequences to others. Take for example, hot tub defecation. Recently however, I’ve decided to change my ways. In fact this change happened as recently as last night, when I had a miraculous dream. A dream, from above…

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I found myself standing on a grand stage with the world’s entire needy population before me… At first I thought, “What is this, the World’s Beggar Convention?” Then I looked again at the endless sea of faces each looking back at me in hopeless desperation and quietly reached back to my wallet, wishing only that I could have a thicker chain on it.

Turning my attention back to the crowd, I could somehow make out they seemed to be grouped together by their specific needs. For example, there were about 50 million blind people to my left just sort of standing there milling about looking bored, or thirsty, or something else I just couldn’t put my finger on. So, probably more out of pure frustration than anything else, I just sort of angrily signaled to them that they better “look busy” and “stop loitering about” in front of the stage. -When immediately, and to my great surprise, their walking sticks disappeared and were miraculously replaced with scolding hot drinks! Shocked, my attention immediately drifted to the large group of handicaps sitting in wheel chairs next to them. For seemingly out of nowhere appeared a giant tidal wave of hot, scolding liquid that threatened to carry them all away!

Forgetting the scene before me, I looked at my hands in amazement.   There was no mistaking it, I now possessed the highly coveted power to shoot blessings at people.

For example, I merely pointed my pinky finger and a poor woman with osteoporosis was hit simultaneously on the head with bags of gold and calcium from the sky… A two fisted punch in the air, and a group of recently beaten men were instantly wrapped head to toe in bandages so completely that they very nearly resembled piñatas….Right next to them were about five thousand Latino rage-aholics, (the Southern Mexico chapter), who I thought might benefit from an organized sport like baseball, so with one imaginary swing they all had brand new bats in their hands! I even spotted my very own elderly grandmother wandering through a crowd of convicted murderers. Thinking quickly, I disguised her as a judge for protection.

Oh it was indeed a glorious sight to behold! I began to dance around, flailing my arms and shooting out blessing after blessing as the crowd screamed me on for more.

Turning my attention away, I even noticed a strange group of people who I could sense all happened to be just barely self-conscious about having attached ear lobes. Feeling their quiet desperation, I gave them all giant tattoos of arrows pointing to their respective lobal deformations. “There! Now that it’s out in the open you don’t have to worry about it anymore!” I shouted, loud enough so they could hear me despite covering their ears in elation.

My wife was there too, wasting tons of energy on trying to signal me about something, before I gave her a state-of-the-art kitchen to funnel those energies into productively by making me some lobster and waffles… I tell you, it was as if God Himself had empowered me to instantly help all of the needy of the world, and I was taking full advantage.

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