God and His Mama

I have this theory about God. Unlike the theories of evolution, mine lacks any scientific proof whatsoever. I tell you that because if you’re the type of person who needs hard facts or empirical evidence, or simply a text message, well, honey, I got none of that.

What I do have is a gut feeling.

Before you blow me off completely, you might want to consider that I raised four kids to bright shining adulthood relying, for the most part, on my gut.

My gut told me when a fever was just a passing thing and when it required a trip to the nearest emergency room.

My gut told me when to begin prowling the neighborhoods in search of the child who didn’t make curfew and when to simply plan out the next day’s punishment.

My gut told me the difference between a temper tantrum and when a child was starved for some loving.

Right now my gut is telling me that God has a grudge against His mama.

I’m not exactly sure that God has a mama, but Scriptures say we are made in His image and all of us have mothers, so it stands to reason that God has one too, right?

I think I can even figure out why she’s been so silent for so long: As a church-going woman, she was taught that it was her Christian duty to hold her tongue and avoid controversy.

Can you imagine the upheaval that would surely ensue if people found out that God did, indeed, have a mama bossing Him around from behind the temple veil?

I’m not exactly sure of the source of the grudge God has against His mama. I don’t think it’s a hateful grudge by any means. He is God, after all.

When I think of God, I imagine Robert De Niro – a conflicted soul.

Maybe he’s upset with his mama because she was always telling Him to stand up straighter, pull those shoulders back. Maybe He blames her for His failed love life. Maybe she’s upset with Him for having a child out of wedlock. I imagine she doesn’t much like the way He’s let the world go to hell in a hand-basket either.

She’s probably given Him a piece of her mind a time or two.

He’s probably looked right through her and asked, “You talkin’ to Me?”

To which she, being a good Christian mother and all, just walked away.

Whatever happened between God and His mama, it’s obvious He’s taking it out on us less godly women.

It was obvious to me the day my 11-year old daughter plopped on the top stair outside her bedroom door and wailed: “I don’t want to have a period! I don’t like being a girl!”

I sat down beside her and laughingly said, “Oh, honey, I so understand.”

It was obvious to me that day the ultrasound technician found the second water sac bumping up next to the first one.

“Twins,” he declared, giddily.

“Oh, shit,” I replied, terrified.

It was obvious to me when sneezing became a matter of national security. Who knew a woman’s body could serve as a launching pad for scud missiles?

And if all of that wasn’t proof enough that God designed women while nursing a grudge against His mama, there’s menopause and Suzanne Somers to consider.

Somers thinks we women ought to take enough replacement hormones to keep menstruating well into our 60s. Apparently, she’s suffering from some sort of peroxide seepage that’s eroding brain cells.

Maybe taking away menstruation after 40 years of tampons and Kotex was God’s way of reconciling things with His mama. I get that. I even applaud His efforts toward restoration.

But this is the God of the Universe. You’d think He could have managed to rectify those matters without night sweats, hot flashes, irritability and giving us the skin of lizards in the process.

Really, it’s so juvenile of Him.

I hope his mama gets after Him for it.