Love
Essays, Featured — By Kirsten Penner Krymusa on January 11, 2010 at 12:00 am
I wonder about love sometimes. Like everyone since forever, I guess. I wonder what it feels like for other people, in marriages especially. Is this one of the universal human experiences that all people share in their own archetypal way? Or is love so different for everyone, so huge and untouchable and beyond what can be compared, that my love is its very own?
Because it isn’t always great. Sometimes it’s really hard and painful and teary. And even worse, blank. Like the bulb just went out on the movie and I’m staring at peeling white paint when just a second ago I was watching some beautiful scene with women stomping grapes in a Greek vineyard. And I blink and I wonder how in the world things could suddenly be so very bare and depressing when usually they’re so gorgeous it hurts.
People always say how love isn’t a feeling – it’s a decision, a commitment, what’s left after the feelings, and so on. Which is true, of course, but I think that’s a bigger deal for some of us. Because for some of us, people like me, if there are others, pretty much everything is a feeling. Watching a kid do a handstand or checking the mail or drinking a latte – these are feelings, way more than they’re actions or facts. Even cleaning can move me to tears if I’m not careful.
And so, when all those little love-is-not-a-feeling moments happen, it can feel like the world’s crashing in. My husband doesn’t even notice, because the decision kind of love was created for people like him, people who love decisions and stick to them no matter what and don’t even notice the potential for emotional trauma whizzing by. So he can discuss divorce rates over popcorn because they’re true and factual, he can acknowledge the fact that no one is immune to broken relationships, and somehow that doesn’t cause his stomach to self-destruct and snot to run down to his chin. But for me it does. Not because I don’t believe those things, and not because I don’t trust my husband completely, but because divorce rates are emotional and I need at least a squeeze on the thigh in the face of them.
Which is also why comparing can be so dangerous. Why reading headlines about Brad and Angelina, or even blogs about newlywed apartments can be as addictive and destructive as heroine if you’re not careful. Because it’s usually the love-is-a-feeling moments that make it to the headlines and the memoirs. And that’s when you’re left wondering about your own love…like everyone since forever, I guess.
11 Comments
Ah, the pitfall of comparisons and the differences in gender? Good stuff.
Another snare in not finding our identity and home in Christ. Yes, I’ve had that same problem with people underscoring emotions too. I see emotions as the “icing” on the cake. But just like anything else, they can be an expression that is not rooted in Jesus, hence are not meant to lead us on their own but as they take their leading from Him.
I think sometimes we forget that like God, who created us in his image, we are a unique, smaller expression of the glorious Trinity. We are a spirit, we have a soul, and a body. All three aspects of us need ministering and care and the success in that endeavor is in whom we find our identity and home.
Man’s spirit (or the spiritual heart as I tend to relate to it) was created to be joined to Jesus, rooted in Him. From that union, the soul and body would find more than satisfaction, but such pleasure in the purest sense. There is constant praise of God going on in Heaven and I used to wonder if this was vain on God’s part and several years ago sheepishly asked Him about it. He’s so sweet, He gets that we don’t get Him and wants to reveal Himself but we can hinder that by feeling shame with what we find within and hiding in the dark instead of confessing it before Him so that He can shed his Light.
Anyway, for the sake of length I will say that not too, too long after that He gave me a relational view and I understood at that deeper level that the worship going on for Him is not about vanity on his part but that those in his presence cannot help but express their appreciation and adore of Him. Like seeing something so beautiful from deep within you comes that expression of love and adore that demands release.
Anyway, been up that mountain to a degree (as I’m sure others have), and down which is always so darn difficult after the high. Everything then becomes about you and wanting to stay there (darn that apple). Yet the valley does keep us dependent on Him and I feel helpful on another level to our fellowman.
Thanks. Bravo Kirsten!
Love in Him,
Jo
Truly well said. Gulp.
wow, taking love head-on is pretty courageous. can there be a new thought about love? apparently, yes, and you’ve said it with raw honesty. nothing schmalzy about your article, either. just in time for valentine’s day….
Kristin,
I really appreciated your article. I went thru that very painful divorce that you talked about and feared. There was no abuse, or cheating, just a relationship gone cold. I won’t go in to detail,(if you ever wanted to talk in private I would do that) just to say that it was VERY painful.
I just want to mention two things for you to think over. I have been in churches where this idea of feelings not mattering was taught. Only action, or a “decision and commitment” as you put it, were the only thing that mattered. My problem is that I dont buy that line of thinking. Whenever I hear people talk about love the kind of touch their heart, and when they talk about the how they think, they touch their head. But I would submit that they are one and the same. My feelings of hurt, pain, joy and love are part of my thinking, part of my mind, part of my reasoning. When we are told to “Love the Lord your God with all your HEART, MIND, SOUL and SPIRIT”, I believe that is all wrapped up in what makes us who we are. I am to love, with passion, with heart, with soul, that moves me to action. It is not some legalistic robotic “I will obey, I will do”, that is just plain nonsence.
The last thing is that by Gods wonderful grace I was able to find love, and it is the most amazing (and stunning) thing I have EVER known. Yes as you said, it is not all hearts and flowers, there is hurt, pain, sorrow, yet because we are lovingly committed to each other we know that those moments of hurt, pain, and sorrow are only for a moment. Those bad times will not be long, not just because we are committed to each other, because true love wants the best for that other person, even in the bad times. My passionate love for my wife keeps me focused on what is REALLY important. If it were just a matter of going thru the motions to satisfy some legalistic reason, I can tell you first hand, for me it would not work, I am not good at being a hypocrite. She is my best friend, and I won’t do anything to jepordize that.
It is not just a matter of loving and being loved in return. It is being with someone who will let you love them, even when it is awkward. They allow you to enjoy them, and in tern, I allow her to enjoy loving me, as unworthy as I am.
My heart and mind are one, and my expressions of love are rooted in both. I know what it is like to be faithul, empty and alone, and I know what its like to be engaged, passionate, and obedient. Finding that person who shares that passion for God, life, love, sex and yes obedience is the most amazing thing I have ever known, and it is only my sin that keeps me from loving better.
I am not a great writer, so this is rambling. I dont think we can ever know (until later) wether our love is the same for others, or how it looks or feels to anyone else, but they are not the measuring stick. And most of the time Hollywood unrealistically idealizes it, or trivializes it. Its a great mystery and a great adventure, and at times a great pain. And yes thru it I get that taste of heaven, what I hope it will be like with my heavenly father.
By the way, I forgot to say how honest and courageous you are for exposing what we all go thru.
Thank you Kirsten.
Billybob, I thought that was great!!! You don’t have to be a great writer to write a piece that speaks with the depth and the beauty that yours did. Sometimes the best pieces come out of those heartfelt ramblings. I truly enjoyed your insights there.
Again, a wonderful article Kirsten.
Jo
Thank you.
Thank yoooouuuu.
What a great post. Glad you wrote it.
Honest, clear and true. Beautifully stated, Kirsten.