You’re Just Not That Into You
Featured, The Remedy — By Sarah Thebarge on February 1, 2010 at 12:00 amEvery January my clinic schedule fills up with patients who, in keeping with the
ir New Year’s resolutions, want to lose weight, drink less alcohol, and stop smoking.
In my first few years of practice, I felt obligated to give each of these patients a 20 minute lecture on their vice of choice, replete with autopsy photographs of diseased organs and lots of scary statistics. I thought if I could just convince them that smoking really was bad for them, being overweight really did stress their heart, and excessive alcohol intake really could pickle their liver, they would finally see the proverbial light and convert to healthier habits.
But in truth, my strategy was rarely effective. Most of the time, when I got a few minutes into my lecture, their eyes would glaze over or they’d cross their arms over their chest and lean back in their chair, mentally checking out of the conversation. OK, so it wasn’t so much a conversation as a lecture. But still. They should have been taking notes.
I wanted them to remember that lung cancer is the leading cause of cancer deaths in men and women. Obesity reduces your life expectancy by 10 years. Excessive alcohol intake increases your risk of esophageal, stomach, colon, liver and breast cancer.
So there, I thought, as I rattled off one impressive statistic after another. Take that.
But no matter how many numbers I threw at patients, nothing seemed to change. When I saw them six months later, they were usually still smoking, still overweight, still drinking too much beer. I couldn’t figure out why, until they started talking back.
After enduring one of my smoking cessation lectures, a patient rolled his eyes and said, “You think I don’t know that already?”
After I spent thirty minutes trying to talk an obese woman into giving up cheeseburgers and milk shakes in favor of apples and skim milk, she told me honestly, “It’s not that I don’t know what’s healthy. It’s just that what I want wins out over what I know.”
The smoker had a good point – most people don’t engage in unhealthy behaviors for lack of information. Since the 1960s, it has been widely acknowledged that smoking is bad for you. No one thinks a steady diet of fried food is a reliable weight loss plan. No one chugs Coke because they think it’s a health tonic. Information on calorie content, weight loss, alcohol and cigarette chemicals is not obscure; it’s accessible with a few clicks of a mouse.
The cheeseburger connoisseur also had an interesting point – we are more easily motivated by what we want than what we know. This is why I had such a dismal track record getting patients to give up their vices. I was inundating them with what they should know rather than appealing to what they wanted.
But “want” is a complicated word. After all, wasn’t the obese woman sitting in my office telling me she wanted to lose weight? The smokers and the alcoholics also went out of their way to make an appointment because they wanted to quit. And yet, when they were in the moment, they chose vodka over sobriety, smoking over quitting, fast food over weight loss.
I was pondering this apparent contradiction when a friend told me about the book He’s Just Not That Into You (which was also recently made into a movie). The premise of the book is that women always make excuses for guys who don’t follow through. For instance, if a woman gives a man her number and he doesn’t call, she’ll make up a million excuses for him. Maybe he lost her number. Maybe he got hit by a bus. Maybe his company sent him on a business trip to a country where there are no phones.
She’ll believe the most implausible theory before she’ll accept the truth, which is that guys (like all human beings) do what they want to do. So if he didn’t call you, it’s because he didn’t want to. Because he’s just not that into you.
That concept applies broadly to other areas of our lives. For the most part, we do what we want. And when our wants are mutually exclusive, we do what we want more. Or what we want most.
So then the reason patients have difficulty sticking to their healthy resolutions is not because they don’t want to be healthy; it’s because there’s something they want more. Sometimes it’s the taste of fried chicken, the convenience of the drive thru, the numbing effect of alcohol or the tranquility of nicotine, but in the moment of decision, “it” wins out over the desire to be healthier.
In the end, patients don’t need another lecture on why they should eat, smoke or drink less as much as they need someone to help them discover what they want more. Until then, I’m left shaking my head as I deliver the bad news to patients who have failed to keep their resolutions.
“I’m sorry to tell you this,” I say solemnly, “but you’re just not that into you.”
18 Comments
ehhh….I’m going to have to pull a JamesW here and disagree(sorry James, had to do it.)
As someone who has struggled her whole life with “obesity” and food, and who has lots of friends who have struggled with alcoholism, I think you might be making light of the addiction factor. Addiction IS a disease (I learned that in my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting) and it’s not like obese people, alcoholics, and smokers don’t neccessarily care about themselves, it’s that the monster of addiction takes over everything. When I’m going on a binge I hate myself, I’m furious, I know I should stop, but I can’t. That’s the nature of disease, and why one of the first steps in AA and OA is admitting that you are “powerless” over alcohol/food, and why AA and OA teach you how to avoid the binge in the first place.
If you haven’t struggled with an addiction to food or alcohol, of course it’s going to seem like, “well just don’t eat/drink” because you don’t see food/alcohol the same -like it’s a drug- because for overeaters and alcoholics IT IS. It’s not as simple as “don’t do it.”
Smoking, food, and alcohol addictions are not about the substances themselves. No one would rather eat a cheeseburger than live. It’s about the deeper emotional and psychological (not to mention spiritual) issues that have to be tackled, not just “being more into yourself.”
sheez! Am I just known around here as the disagreer? There’s so much more to me than that!
Anyway, to get the thing back on track, I’m gonna say that I agree with both of you, sort of. That is, it is easy to simply eat that unhealthy food (my personal weakness) as it provides some level of comfort. The reason is, as Sarah said, we do what we want despite what we know. And in many cases, the reason is addiction, as Emily says. And I would throw in that in some cases, addiction has a spiritual element to it. That tends to make people cringe when I bring it up, but I say it nonetheless.
The good news is that Jesus can come in and bring healing and rectify all three of the above-mentioned causes, and grant people freedom from doing harm to themselves, regardless of whether it’s alcohol, drugs, tobacco, or greasy burgers.
What you’re describing is the myth of free will. In truth, we are slaves to our desires – we will always, at any given moment, choose to do what we most want to do in that given moment. Our wills are not free, but rather subject to what we want. We can be subject to two conflicting desires, both wanting and not wanting the very same thing at the same time, but eventually one of those desires will win out and we’ll give in.
All respect given to Emily, addiction may be a disease, but it’s no more a disease than gossip or deception or any other sin. We as a human race are addicted to our sin, and these various forms of addictions become the embodiment of what Paul talks about in Romans 7 when he says he does what he does not want, but the very thing he hates. Nevertheless, he says, “it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.”
It’s a conscious choice then, that we make, and unless there is One Who can break those desires which enslave us, we will continue in our patterns of lawlessness.
Good points Sarah. I also find that concentrating on the problem isn’t very successful. It amplifies the problem and can even have the opposite effect of backfiring. Reminds me of the difference between the law and Jesus. These wants are the manifestation of a bigger problem. It is a manifestation of our deep need for God (taking it back to its basics in the garden of eden). So we substitute. I used to say back in the day I loved my wine. Really, I wondered how that would change. Not that I think it of itself is some horrible sin and I didn’t feel condemned about it, just that it became a source of fulfillment to a degree and the dependence on the wine over God was the issue. Yet the more I grew in my relationship with God the more that desire began to go away as I found my fulfillment in my relationship with him. Not that I needed liquor all the time but if it was in my home I would drink like every night until it was gone. If I was around liquor, I was having me some. Now if I have wine in my home it will sit there for months before I would open it. It doesn’t appeal to me as it used to for I have found someone sweeter than wine, our Lord.
And I have other areas that crop up from time to time yet I know that it testifies to a deeper need that I have. For me, instead of trying to change myself by some mental exercise, I take my need to the Lord and tell him about it, allowing him to work in me, while also using the resources He has given me to water his life in me.
Anyway, considering I knew God took me as I was I don’t recall trying to quit on my own (except once early on which didn’t work). It appeared to be something that came naturally as I grew in my relationship with him. One day I began to realize that I would be around liquor and didn’t desire it. Then I would notice that if I bought a bottle it would sit in my cabinet for months.
But I think we do substitute at times too. For instance, I smoked for years and finally quit. Woo hoo, desire gone. If it crept up it was easily overcome. Didn’t really gain weight either, at least not much. But then later I did find myself gaining more weight than I cared for and thought maybe I can take up smoking again just to lose some weight. I knew it was a dangerous game and I just needed to start exercising again as wasn’t getting much. Well, opted for the cigarettes, temp thing ya know, yea right. So I got me a problem again. Substitution, not good. But at least I am aware and am seeking the Lord again on it. Next time I won’t play Russian Roulette.
I like Jesus’ solution:
John 4: 31Meanwhile his disciples urged him, “Rabbi, eat something.”
32But he said to them, “I have food to eat that you know nothing about.”
Why have hamburger when you can enjoy a juicy steak?
Love in Him,
Joanne
In regards to the JamesW impersonator at the top, I don’t believe she was addressing addiction so much as the desire that “addiction” creates, if even that most of the time.
Great article, Sarah.
Alright, now I’m serious. I am not a disagreeable person. I’m not. Anyone who thinks that is mistaken.
And yes, I am aware that this post is in disagreement with the post directly above it.
James, I see you as a serious person with a serious concern for truth and accuracy. You don’t like to let what you perceive to be a falsehood stand unchallenged. On an website with eclectic views like you’ll find here at burnside, you’ve found yourself compelled to say “I disagree” quite a bit.
But that’s not the same thing as you being disagreeable.
Peace.
Larry, thank you.
I wouldn’t respond like this except that someone earlier stated (falsely) that I come here just to disagree.
Your assessment is much more accurate.
Sarah, sorry about derailing this. I will shut up now, because this article and topic are worth discussing.
James, SHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. It’s alright, don’t think she’s that into me too. It’s her right.
For what it’s worth, I like ya.
I like your last statement. Aren’t we a funny bunch. You’re ok in my book.
Love in Him,
Jo
Goosh, I need a cigarette. Help!!!
I think this is a very thought-provoking article. I think that there is also a flip-side to this: people who struggle with eating disorders being SO into themselves that all they see is numbers on a scale and how they rate next to someone else. So it comes down to simply being into the most important thing, the only thing that really matters: God. He wants us to be healthy and content with just enough: not doing things that are harmful to ourselves, but enjoying the life He has created with a mindful balance. If we can “just get into” God, as intended, we’ll all be where we need to be.
Thanks for the article!
There was an article in Fast Company several years ago that men, after being faced with the news that they either need to change their lifestyle, or risk another heart attack, only have a 1-in-10 change of changing.
I think maybe the reason that this piece is hard for people to know how to take is that it oversimplifies people. People are complex and have complicated stories. We have the ability, unlike other living creatures, to contradict ourselves. There’s a youTube video of Craig Ferguson talking about his alcoholism, and he very bluntly states that his self-medication was saving his life from the other demons he was battling. We never know what peoples’ past holds or what they are battling, so to say they just aren’t “into” themselves assumes that they haven’t chosen the better option without always knowing what the other options were.
Sarah, just an fyi. This article did have me thinking again of my poor choices and another aspect to this that I knew of but didn’t elaborate on my original post. That other aspect, the role of the law that brings fear of retribution.
Not all fear is bad. It’s bondage but considering the alternatives not all is bad. It all depends (is it rooted in God’s love).
And we can blame things all on legalism due to wrong religious teachings. Yes, they have a greater accountability but we must never forget that our problems are not a group problem but a “human condition” problem. Lately (twice) when I bring that factor up (whether here or elsewhere) I see dark clouds parting for the sun making its way through. Although for me I felt that it not just coming out but shining through that speaks of revelation. None of us can make the Light of Christ shine in men’s hearts and our own heart, only God can.
Anyway, I say alot so not sure exactly what it is all about but I am finding the common denominator is being cautious of seeing things as like a group problem instead of a human condition problem and not passing off our personal accountability, while understanding how these other things can CONTRIBUTE to the mess like every other MINOR character (other people, the devil, whatever). God knows for sure what it is all about but that’s what I feel it is.
Even parents teach their children “right and wrong” and will use fear if they have to because a toddler doesn’t understand why he can’t have something that is not good for him. The law of itself isn’t bad and Galatians 3 speaks of it in a similar role, until we come into faith in Christ. Good read.
Anyway, elaborated quite a bit there so in case you missed the point of the above, not all fear is bad. It can be a good start as it can help you see the folly of your way(the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom) but it is a greater love that will drive us to make lasting changes (perfect love casts out fear; Godly sorrow produces repentance). It is when I love the Lord enough not to want do things that grieve Him and unnecessarily grieve others, and just want to join in his overall plans because I love Him and others, that lasting changes at the deepest level take place.
As I was saying, my temp cigarette indulgence seems to have become a problem. But there is also something I have noticed, my body doesn’t appear to be able to handle it anymore. It is like I am allergic to them and my body is revolting badly. I was feeling really horrible in that respect when your article came out and I’m laying it down again believing that greater is He who is in me and as I keep my eyes on Him I will make it. Even if not for me, for those that love me and those I may be able to be an extension of Him to them.
Wasn’t a total loss, was the extra push I needed.
You may not want to be too quick to give up your original idea. You may just want to go about it another way. Maybe you can have guest speakers that have dealt with things like lung cancer, complications due to overweight, etc, and they can even share stories on what helped them.
I love teachings as there is something that teaching gives me that I don’t quite get from a story. Yet a story adds the element of a personal / relational touch and so I love those too. I’ll take them both.
Love in Him,
Jo
Sarah, I’m in to you. Great article.
James, I do want to apologize if my post regarding, “She’s not that into you” sounds like I may have stated it after you felt you had already received an accurate assessement of what you are looking to do or convey. Due to the re-arranging of some posts, think it doesn’t present mine in the proper light but that’s what I think.
Thanks.
Love in Him,
Joanne
So if there is something we can do in response to this, it is Sarah’s conclusion,
“In the end, patients don’t need another lecture on why they should eat, smoke or drink less as much as they need someone to help them discover what they want more. ”
This kind of truth-seeking is noble and Jesus-y. Also a challenge to us to be honest with ourselves about our addictions and desires.
Awesome article.
I’ve always been fairly in shape, but for the first time in my life I’m actually living an intentionally healthy life and it’s been amazing. But there are definitely those days where all the benefits don’t seem like enough, and it’s in those moments that I have to think of the long-term. I think it’s like that with most things we struggle with– if we focus on the here and now we make the easiest choice (often not the best), but if we change our focus to what is best both now AND in the future our choices change for the better.
And over time, as you mentioned at the end of the article, it all becomes about changing what we want– our motivators and desires that drive our decisions. Willpower and perseverance only go so far unless there is a heart change behind it. Luckily Jesus is all about changing our hearts– our wants and our desires– to be in line with what is best.