eHarmony InterpretationsEssays — By Betsy Zabel on May 11, 2010 at 2:00 pm
I thought I was ready to date, but now I’m not so sure. Out of curiosity, I created a profile on eHarmony to see what my “ideal matches” would be like. I got 10 matches and I was skeptical of all of them. I imagined them all as the most awkward guy from college, sitting at his computer, typing away his “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands”.
“I want a Proverbs 31 woman who is physically fit, able to laugh at herself, and enjoys the random things in life.”
This description doesn’t sound like a real person I’d actually like to know. If a friend described me this way, I would feel insulted that they couldn’t think of anything more specific to my character. Ask for “a Proverbs 31″ woman and you might get the widow who always wears a hat with a feather in it to church, or you might get the mousy 19-year old girl who sits in the back row every Sunday.
And if you are a Christian looking for another Christian, the profiles are all the same.
“I am deeply committed to Jesus Christ and his grace in my life and I am looking for fellowship and a strong attraction to a woman who shares the same values.”
If these aren’t enough reasons for me to “Close the Match” there is the entire guy factor. If he watches and plays sports, I picture a one-dimensional sports guy who is always wearing shiny basketball shorts and sitting on a cloth couch with a sweat-soaked shirt, drinking a Mountain Dew.
If he says he enjoys video games or sci-fi/fantasy, I stop reading his profile altogether. I didn’t grow up with video games, and I just can’t tolerate them. For me, he is one of two stereotypes. One, he is the kid who sat in his basement in high school clicking on his Playstation until 3 a.m. when his parents were asleep, and as a result, never had time to shower. Or he was the conservative kid who went to college and wasn’t a man-slut, so he devoted his life to video game marathons with the other Christian guys in the dorm. Three days later they would emerge from their cells and stumble over to the cafeteria in their sweats, where they would make paper footballs and put salt in each others drinks when their buddy was filling a bowl with Soft Serve.
If he says, “Most people think that I am quiet and laid-back upon first impression.” To me this means a “insecure” or “anti-social.” If he says he is “easygoing,” I interpret this as “spineless.” When he says he is funny and promises to make me laugh within the first 30 seconds of introduction, I think, “Really? I question your wit. And it is really presumptuous of you to think you could make me laugh within seconds. In fact, this gives me more reason to not like you.”
In the end, he is always too young or too old, too geeky or too arrogant, too macho or too wimpy. His name is “Tad” or “Rodney” and I just can’t see myself with a Tad or a Rodney.
Obviously I am too hard on the opposite sex. I think I might not be ready for eHarmony.
For now, I will stick with the “real life” dating pool, which means I will keep my fingers crossed every time a new guy joins my small group.
At this rate, I will be single indefinitely.