Relationships: Not An App For That
Essays, Featured — By Emily Timbol on May 27, 2010 at 9:00 amThere is a conversation I am very tired of having. It seems to be occurring a lot lately with more and more friends of mine, and always seems to end the same way (usually with alcohol, which I’m fine with.) It starts with the question, “Why am I still single?” and ends with the answer, “It’s not your fault.” Which begs the question, who’s fault is it?
Despite what Cosmo might tell my friends, the answer to why they are still single is not that they need to lose 10 pounds and brush up on their man baiting skills. Most
of my single friends are extremely attractive, funny, intelligent, and very fun to be around. They aren’t pathetic and desperate, and the only reason I’m tired of having this conversation is because I can’t seem to understand why, in the large co-ed group we have, so many of them cannot seem to find a date.
I know it’s popular to blame everything, from brain tumors to the downfall of Lindsay Lohan’s career, on technology, but I think for my friends, the electronic age has become a romantic hindrance. I believe that the reason more than half of my friends in their late twenties to early thirties are unhappily single is directly related to our generational and cultural fascination with convenience.
Our lives are filled with electronic conveniences. If we want to see a movie, we click two buttons on the remote and watch it. If we want to know what any of our friends are doing, we can text them and know within seconds (or let’s be honest, stalk them on Facebook.) If we want car insurance, a pizza, sex, a college degree, or pretty much anything, we can do it all from our computers. Actually, we don’t even need a computer, we can just do it from our phones. If we need to leave our houses for something and drive somewhere, chances are there is a drive-thru, so we don’t need to get out of the car. Dry cleaning, food, alcohol, a Las Vegas wedding: all things we can do without leaving the comfort of our cars.
In many ways, the world we grew up in functioned to create things that made our lives easier (for the right price.) We grew up believing what we were told by the things we watched and the messages we heard: that we were entitled to have whatever we wanted whenever we wanted it. We were lucky enough to grow up in an age where, even if we were “poor,” we still most likely had a TV, a car, air conditioning, the Internet, and access to education. We (and our parents) worked and lived to avoid pain, conflict, and frustration.
The problem is, relationships are filled with pain, conflict, and frustration. No matter how often we poke someone on Facebook, tweet them on Twitter, or text them on our Blackberrys, technology cannot take away the difficulty in maintaining a relationship with someone we care about. Relationships are one of the few things left for people of my generation that there is not an app for.
Really, what we are after with every purchase is happiness. People do not wait in a line outside the Apple store for two days because they really need a badly named giant iPhone. They do it because they are making a purchase that on some level, they hope will make their life better. And for many people in my generation, entering into a relationship with another person is viewed just like a purchase. In a time where your computer, phone, and car become outdated every year or so, it makes sense to wait and see for what’s newer and better before buying. But when you view a person as just another thing to “buy” to increase your quality of life, you will never be satisfied. It’s not a matter of settling for whatever comes along, but of expectation. People are not in our lives for our convenience and happiness. It is a lie to believe that there is “the one” with whom a relationship with will be easy, magical, and not require work.
While I think it would be interesting to see what would happen if all my friends (and me) suddenly had to function without smartphones, Facebook, Twitter, or the Internet, I don’t think that’s necessary in order for us to find relationships that last. Like that quote I saw on someone’s page says, “nothing worthwhile is easy.” Relationships are not easy. They are work, they are hard, and they aren’t about us. That’s whose fault it is. Us. The generation “me” who so often has a hard time thinking about anyone but ourselves. Until we are ready to put someone else’s needs, wants, and convenience first, we’re never going to be able to make relationships work. Because ultimately, trying to find a person who makes everything else in your life better, is the same as trying to find an Apple product that won’t be outdated in a year: impossible. There is no perfect person, there’s only that person who you decide is worth the work.
The good news is, while we wait for them, there is Farmville.
Tags: Relationships, technology
19 Comments
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[Relationships are one of the few things left for people of my generation that there is not an app for.]
Brilliant! Thanks for this piece.
Yeah, but what about e-harmony? That’s one of those things that still weirds me out, no matter how theoretically legit it is. As for me I prefer to meet a woman the old fashion way. No algorithms involved.
(Warning: Shameless plug coming, but you have to swallow hard and do it if you’re a writer and non-famous).
If Baker ever does a second edition of What Women Wish You Knew about Dating, I’m going to include a chapter on technology. I completely agree that the convenience thing is a factor, but I also have the hardest time convincing people that texting, email, and communicating through social networking does not serve dating (much less serious relationships) well at all. The early stages of a relationship require boldness and a bit of vulnerability. Tech does an excellent job of allowing people to communicate without either. Face-to-face or, at minimum, a real time phone conversation is the only way to go if you’re hot for someone. Everything else just leaves you analyzing words until you lose your mind.
“It is a lie to believe that there is “the one” with whom a relationship with will be easy, magical, and not require work.”
As someone who’s been married 15 years, I heartily endorse this statement.
I guess I would’t understand dating separate from looking for a mate. In my mind, you date to find a mate. Also, (and I know the ridicule is coming!) I don’t think women do themselves any favors by having sex outside of marriage because to most women, it is a way to entice a mate rather than a sacred joining of two people as one within in the bonds of marriage. Most women feel that have to have sexual relations to even “take a relationship to the next level”. It is so sad to me that we just give ourselves away without any thought to the damage it does when “it doesn’t work out”. We should value ourselves much more.
This is one man who totally agrees with you.
One of the biggest challenges for successful relationships nowadays is overcoming selfishness. I’m selfish. Always have been. And now I find that the only thing that stands between me and being a better partner is my unwillingness to put my partner first. As we try to overcome the negative affects of easy-bake-oven-society, I hope that these kind of articles penetrate our hearts and call us back to relationships with good values; the highest value being self-sacrifice. We still believe that prince charming’s self-sacrificial love is awesome on the screen, but we don’t practice it in life. Let’s go world; love others.
And I’d add that selfishness is the primary obstacle to good relationships in any generation, in any context. Our generation does have quite an entitlement complex though, which probably makes it worse.
Well My Goodness Emmy, This is a first. Your grandpa actually agrees with you 100%. Nice job, and for anyone who doubts that what you write is true and accurate let them talk to me. Married at 21, children at 23, 25 (your mom), 29, and 31, three daughters, that’s rough and a “perfect son” ha ha, and now married for 53 years 2 months, and 4 days to a wonderful woman, (your grandma) it all sounds so wonderful huh? No, it was really tough sometimes but there is one word that makes marriage successful, COMMITMENT. Wrapped up in commitment is fidelity and sacrifice. Doing for each other and not expecting immediate gratification back. Not getting angry and looking elsewhere. When I look at what your Grandma did for us like working for 5 years while I went to college and she had 2 children at the same time and never missed a day at as many as 3 different jobs beginning as early at 4 AM in the college kitchen and finishing up at 10pm on the college switchboard, Yeah, sounds impossible doesn’t it. It was hard, but she had faith in God and in me that I would be successful and get a degree. Our story is not everybody’s story but our commitment to each other should be. And you know after you weathered all the storms of life, and look back at how God has blessed your commitment you realize that you spouse has become not only your soul mate but your very best friend.
We love you and all of our 10 grandchildren more than you can understand at this time.
Grandpa.
Is it too early to nominate this is the best comment of the year/
Emmy’s grandpa made me cry! What a beautiful, moving reply and an encouragement to those of us in the hard stages of commitment.
And Emily, I was in your shoes not that long ago. I’m now married nearing 7 years and 2 kids later (at 35). That you’ve hit the nail on the head bodes well for you. May you find a man who matches your intelligence and bravery. It’s so much easier to take the path of least resistance than to “woman up” to reality that relationships and life are/is hard. And it takes greater courage to embrace working it out when you’re in that tough spot. You’re miles ahead of many peeps your age. Kudos!
You grandpa, touched my heart so. I’ve heard so many stories from women who had sacrificed like your sweet wife, only to end up alone. The fact that you recognize and appreciate her loving selflessness so much brings a tear to my eye. There is no substitute for commitment. God bless you, your wife, your children and your children’s children!
To Emily’s grandpa: you’re my hero. I’m still single, but when I get married I plan to be as committed as you.
Kudos .. great insights for all generations!!
Emily, I’ve never thought of it this way. The ease of technology has perhaps made us bad at building purposeful, hard-working relationships. As Brett McKay said, “if you’re poking a woman you’re interested in on facebook, you’re a white-livered weakling.”
Emily-this is great. Im proud of you and your wisdom and your courage to voice what you know to be true.
Emily,
Great work which inspired wonderful posts – and I loved also not only what your grandfather posted but most especially THAT your grandfather posted. Awesomeness.
I just wanted to pipe in as someone who is single and came close to getting married but it didn’t work out -and someone who is actually very happy with that for the rich love and growth that came out of that unresolved romance… that it isn’t just applications, desire for instant gratification, willingness to work or unwillingness to work, circumstances, although I am sure that God does work through these things. But ultimately if you’re following after God – as is your partner, then you’ve left the outcome with Him, it does not lie in what we do or don’t do or what technology we use or don’t use, or what does or doesn’t happen to us that we can’t control.
I’m writing this – even though I love all the insight that this article provides, it also provoked me to think – why is it that there are times Facebook has been a hinderance in my spiritual life and other times it’s fine? Or if I use an email to avoid talking to someone, and other times it saves someone else time and works well. It all boils down to our heart attitudes toward the Lord and in His love, toward each other. The same problems that keep us teched out kept the Israelites meandering. It’s just the same human problem in a different context.
At the same time – it is very refreshing to read such a fantastic and spot on reflection on our “more people are single” society.
What this article clears up for me is that Emily is very smart and very cool.