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Culture, Essays, Featured, Features — By Emily Timbol on July 19, 2011 at 10:25 amThere are three things a Christian woman in her twenties can be guaranteed to experience: weddings, bridal showers, and baby showers. It doesn’t matter if you’re single, married, a rich corporate lawyer, or a poor freelance writer – your friends are going to get married and reproduce, and they’re going to expect presents.
Depending on my life stage, I have approached these events with different emotions. When I was in my early twenties and still reeling from being dumped by my then-fiance, I hated weddings and showers, and did everything I could to avoid them (or drink myself into oblivion at them.) Now that I’m in my late(er) twenties and in a stable loving relationship, I am more inclined to enjoy these activities, as I can see myself someday having my own (I’m selfish and terrible). Despite the fact I actually enjoy going to weddings now, and buying my friends pink blenders, I still hold some reservations about what I like to call, “Traditional Christian Cultural Wife Expectations.”
It seems that lately at these events, I am meeting more and more girls who are half a decade younger than me, married, jobless, childless (for now) and content with their day to day lives the way they are – full with little more than trips to the grocery store and gym. They cook and decorate, as they think those are duties that go along with the new identity that they have happily enveloped themselves into – the identity of “wife.” To them, wives live to serve their husbands. Mostly serve them dinner.
It saddens me that so many of these women want nothing more than to be the patriarchal, non-Biblical ideal of what a “wife” should be. Yes, I said non-Biblical.
Since we’re on the subject, let’s look at a few “Christian” quotes on marriage, and being a good wife:
Rev. Daniel L. Akin, president of the Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, in Wake Forest, N.C.:
“She is not lazy or a busybody, nor is she distracted by outside pursuits and responsibilities that eat up her precious time and attention,” he said. “This woman is not seduced by the sirens of modernity who tell her she is wasting her time and talent as a homemaker, and that it is the career woman who has purpose and is truly satisfied.”
R. Albert Mohler Jr., president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary:
“It would be hypocritical of me to suggest that I would be perfectly happy to have Christian young women believe that being Vice President of the United States is more important than being a wife and mother.”
John MacArthur, author and Pastor of Grace Community Church in Sun Valley, California:
“One expression in Titus 2 deserves special notice. It is the word homemakers. The Greek word is oikourgous, which literally means “workers at home.” Oikos is the Greek word for “home,” and ergon means “work, employment.” It suggests that a married woman’s first duty is to her own family, in her own household. Managing her own home should be her primary employment, her first task, her most important job, and her true career.”
You’d be amazed how hard I had to look to find quotes that were from denominations other than Southern Baptist. Baptist preachers sure do love to tell women where they belong (re: the kitchen.) It seems that to these men, the Bible is clear that God created women to be married, home, cooking, cleaning, and maintaining order for her husband and family. According to them, when God said he created women to be “helpers” of men, He meant “housekeepers” of men. Thankfully, not all Christians view the definition of “helper” this way.
From Grace Women’s Ministries:
In Genesis 2:18, God saw it was not good for man to be alone and determined to make a “helper suitable” for him, or in the original Hebrew an “ezer-kenegdo”. As a female image bearer, a woman’s core calling is as an ezer, or essential counterpart. However, the idea that woman was created as a helper has taken on a negative connotation over the years, one that denotes weakness or inferiority. Yet, the word ezer (pronounced Eh’-zair) is far from a weak word. It is used twenty-one times in Old Testament Scripture: twice in the creation story, three times as a military term, and sixteen times God refers to himself as our Ezer.”
This might seem to some like semantics, but it’s far from it. The original word that so often is translated to mean “docile housekeeper” was used not just to describe military men, but God himself. No one describes the guys from 300 as docile. Nor do the types of people who expect women to behave, naturally assume that God would sixteen times refer to himself as a “helper.”
It’s sad that so many Christians just puppet and mimic the understanding of the current culture of what the Bible says, and never investigate it themselves. No one asks how we got from “Ezer” to “homemaker” and no one wonders if the actual point of ”submission” has nothing to do with how well we can cook a roast.
There is so much more to women than how good we are at keeping a home.
My sister, who is an excellent baker, constantly gets compliments about “what a great wife she will make someday.” Not because she is intelligent, funny, smart, strong, or beautiful, but because she makes really good cookies. There is something very wrong about that.
My friend, who is in her mid thirties and not married, saw a blog post I wrote about this and brought up her perspective, which is incredibly valid. What about the increasing number of 20, 30, and 40 something women who are not married, and might not ever get married. Do their lives up until marriage (if it happens) not matter? Are they just “waiting” , or “preparing” themselves until they can fulfill their “true” role? I’ve read more than one Christian book that said as much. Married or not, there is a very clear message sent to women, that their lives are defined by marriage, and their “submission” to their (future or present) husbands. Very few books directed to women encourage them to, as Paul said, strive to be single and use their time to serve God. Most encourage women to strive to be a good wife.
For the longest time, I thought that the Bible told me that if I ever wanted to be a good wife, and honor Him, that my only option was to be a stay-at-home slave. The most important, defining characteristics about me would be how well I cooked, cleaned, and kept house, because that’s what the Bible said was my job. I thought, because that’s what Christian culture told me, that the word “submit” meant to “keep quiet,” because I was not equal. That completely wrong cultural interpretation of scripture seriously damaged my view of God for a long time, because I questioned not just why I’d ever want to get married, but how I could worship and love a God who created me only to be a servant. I knew in my heart that’s not what I was created for. And I was right.
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Tim Keller, who is quickly becoming my favorite authority on scripture and the Bible, so wonderfully puts it like this:
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“In marriage, wives are told to give headship to their husbands (Ephesians 5:21 ff.) This does not mean that the man simply can make all the decisions nor does it mean that he gets his way whenever there is a difference of opinion… A “head” may never overrule his spouse simply to get his way or please himself (Romans.15:2-3). A head sacrifices his wants and needs to please and build up his partner (Ephesians 5:2ff.)…In a marriage, where there are only two “votes”..There can be no unity unless one person has the right to cast the deciding “vote”. That person knows that, along with this “right’ comes the greatest accountability and responsibility…The Bible directs that a wife, when she marries, give that “right/responsibility” freely to her husband. The husband realizes that ordinarily, his authority does not take the form of “over-ruling”—in fact, the servant-model directs the “head” to usually put aside his own tastes and preferences in deference to pleasing his spouse.“
If you read further on that link, you see that according to Keller’s interpretation of the actual Biblical model, a woman only “submits” because a woman’s role in marriage is modeled after Christ himself, in his relationship to God, who he submits to. Is God “better” than Christ? No. Really, they are the same in terms of power. But Christ was created to love through submission, as hard as it was. Submission to God, as well as the disciples (washing their feet). Was he a leader, and a King? Absolutely. But remember again why the Jews had such a hard time accepting him as the Messiah? Because the way Christ led was not through violence, but submission.
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home Mom. There is nothing wrong with enjoying to cook, clean, or keep a house. There is also nothing wrong with practically deciding with your husband, that of the two of you, it makes more sense for you, the wife, to take on the majority of these duties. What is wrong is the attitude and lie that all a woman COULD and SHOULD do, is be a full-time stay at home wife or Mom, and that in order for her to truly “submit” to her husband, she cannot work, or desire to be anything other than a wife or mother. It is not a sin for a woman to work, or choose a career over a family, anymore than it is a sin for a woman to choose a family over a career.
The people that propel the idea that a woman is not capable of being a CEO, a Vice President, or anything outside the home, use the Bible as a tool of oppression. When used this way, the Bible has the power to make people feel worthless and subjected. But that’s not what it was intended for. It was intended as a tool to bring freedom. It’s true that for some women, there is freedom in marrying a man that they can submit to for every wish, desire, choice, and direction in life. Some women want nothing more than to cook, and clean, and have kids, and stay at home loving their husbands through these acts of service. Others stay home not because they “want” to, but because they see the need, value, and gift, in being able to spend all day with their kids. There is freedom in that. It’s important to note that those women who do stay home can still be Ezer’s, who are not defined by how well they fold clothes.
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Still, there are other women, like myself, that find immense joy and freedom in knowing that if and when we do get married, the Bible does not tell us that the only way for us to “submit” is by being homemakers. We can enjoy cooking, and cleaning, and decorating, but we don’t have to be defined by that, or see that as our “true job and calling.” Our role as “helper” is not one defined by helping to do “woman’s” work, but one defined by helping our husband in spiritual battle. According to God, man can’t do it alone.
Tags: Apostle Paul, Christian Culture, John MacArthur, Marriage, scripture, Wives, Women
22 Comments
I married at 20. What was I thinking? I didn’t have a chance to explore my identity outside of Christian wifedom, and so I militantly encourage you to continue to do so Emily! And continue to write about it. I really do want to know what I missed. I think it’s vital that young women know who they are and “have a life” of their own before they connect their identity to another person. You articulate this issue with insight and wisdom. Well done!
Huh? Why is exploring your identity outside of marriage any better or more important than exploring it within marriage? My wife and i got married at 25 and have heard plenty of folks who married around 20 or so (like you or my parents) remark that they were too young or recommend waiting, because it was so hard to be married and still figuring out who they were. Well, we found it very hard to be single and still figuring out who we were. Instead of hurting and fighting and being hurt by a spouse, we had boy/girlfriends and roommates and friends to do that with. It royally sucked and we both kind of wish we had the security of a meaningful marriage commitment to do that learning and hurting within, instead of people who have no commitment to us, no strong incentive to work through it.
Growing up is hard. Learning to be yourself sucks often. I think you are making a pretty big assumption to think that being married during that stage is worse than being single. It’s hard either way, just different struggles.
And as for having kids… we’re working on the fourth and really, really wish we could have started on it earlier, before backs and knees get old. That twenty year old me had a lot more energy and health than i do now, which sure comes in handy during those baby/toddler years.
I, think, if you’ve found someone you want to marry that wants to marry you and your friends and family support the marriage and you both understand what the word commitment actually means, then you don’t need to wait until some magic age when you have it all figured out. Either way, there’s going to be a lot of adjusting and refiguring over the years. Anyone who tells you otherwise is stuck in “grass is greener on the other side” mode.
Emily, when you wrote this on your blog last week, I was a little bothered by the characterization of the stay-at-home wives, whether moms or not, because I’m inside that world (that is, my wife and many of our friends fall into this category). However, I didn’t comment then. Then you posted a follow-up where you apologized and clarified, and I did comment then.
I responded that my wife certainly isn’t a doormat, and she has a mind of her own. She has a Master’s, and gets job offers for good salaries all the time. She still works outside the home a few hours a week to keep her skillset up, but she could easily do without it. A lot of stay-at-home wives are like this, and I think some things said about them, as a group, are unfair and even untrue.
Now, fast forward to today. My wife never reads blogs (including mine), doesn’t do Facebook, Twitter, etc. I had left this page up on the screen, and I walked in just as she was finishing it. I asked her what she thinks. Here was her response (not exact quote, but close):
“I was fulfilled in my job when I worked fulltime, but I think that becoming a stay-at-home wife and mom has propelled me further into Christlikeness than anything I have ever experienced. Because once I started doing that, I realized it isn’t about me. And by the way, I do a lot more than stay home and cook.”
Thing is, if I had said that, it would have come across as sexist. Even reading it from her, if you don’t know her, it could sound stepford-ish. But if you spent 5 minutes with her, you’d know that’s not the case, either.
I respect your (and Jo’s) opinion and perspective. But I am offering this equally valid perspective for your consideration.
Thanks for the comment James. I am not sure though that you got the point of this article, just out of curiosity, if you had to sum it up, what would it be? Because, while I think I failed to say it effectively in my first blog post where this started, I think I clarified that I don’t think all day at home wives do is cook.
Are you trying to say that your wife is proof that educated, working women would be more satisfied at home?
Emily, I’m saying that, while it’s wrong for anyone to say that all married women should stay home, it’s also wrong to say that they should all not stay home. While you didn’t say this explicitly, your post has some similarities to things I have read in the past.
Specifically, this paragraph:
“I am meeting more and more girls who are half a decade younger than me, married, jobless, childless (for now) and content with their day to day lives the way they are – full with little more than trips to the grocery store and gym. They cook and decorate, as they think those are duties that go along with the new identity that they have happily enveloped themselves into – the identity of “wife.” To them, wives live to serve their husbands. Mostly serve them dinner.”
sounds very much like you are expressing disapproval of other women who have chosen to go this route. Do you not agree?
And may I ask, what are your thoughts about my wife’s statement that she feels more drawn into Christlikeness since becoming a stay-at-home mom?
As far as the paragraph you quoted, I think that, yes, there is a problem with young women without children who stay home to fill there days with nothing other than shopping and cooking- IF – they think that that is what is expected of them as a wife. I’m not saying that for some women, God cannot be honored through that, but for many, I think it’s just what they do because that’s what’s expected of them, and they don’t put thought into why they aren’t pursuing other activities that could fulfill them (either work related or ministry.)
As far as your wife’s statement, I think that’s great for her, and I’m happy that she found more fulfillment there. I’m glad she was able to make that choice. I’d be very hesitant though if you, or anyone, argued that since your wife found more fulfillment at home, every woman would or should. I am drawn into Christ-like-ness through many different things, but “homemaking” is not one of them. I don’t think that every woman has to show she’s “Christ-like” by sacrificing a career, or pursuits outside the home.
Keep in mind Christ was not just a servant to his disciples, he was also a teacher, leader, and regular pot-stirrer.
The problem with Christian view’s on “women’s roles” is that no matter who it is, everyone thinks that THEIR way is the best and only. They also enjoy sprinkling such passive-aggressive statements as, “Well, I like to be on the side of God, but that’s just me” in their conversations. (For examples, go read the Amazon.com book reviews of Christian books on marriage and gender. Frightening). Thank you, Emily, for writing that there is NO ONE WAY to be a woman and a Christian. More people need to hear this message.
I’m a stay-at-home actress.
But that means when you do housework, you’re really practicing for commercial auditions. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a commercial where a man washes dishes or does laundry.
Emily, that is so true! The commercial that erks me the most is the one where the husband calls out to the wife to toss him a new roll of toilet toilet paper. He can get it himself! What does he think his wife does when no one else is home?!?
Stay at home wive isn’t the problem. It’s a cultural model that offers this as the only godly option.
Emily, this is well written.
My wife and I got an earful of Bible studies (tempted to abbreviate that) explaining gender roles for spouses a couple of years back. It killed me when the other couples claimed Julia Robert’s character’s opinion in Mona Lisa Smile was the message of the movie. The point of the movie is there is a choice,but mentioning this proved pointless. I’m so tired of this message being misinterpreted to either/or. You articulated this well, but I wonder what good it will do when those who should be listening refuse to do so.
I baked some cookies while studying abroad in Germany, and my male floormate tasted one and said, “Mm, like a good American housewife.” I was ticked.
Anyway, I’m starting to think that it’s easier to stick to what culture defines as God’s purpose for a woman. It’s clear cut, it’s well laid out. The template is already there. Once we start saying there’s a choice, well, that screws with some people’s sense of security. Because if our identity – male and female – depends on specifically defined roles, and then we go and say there is no definition, well then, how do we know we’re doing the right thing? How do we know who we are? We’d have to go exploring and searching for those answers, and that’s actually very hard work.
Thanks for writing, Emily. Well said.
On paper, I have about the best gig going: I work part-time at a job that helps my family to save and travel more than we would be able to otherwise. It is not my passion, but I write here and elsewhere and run our church’s community garden, so my passions are fulfilled elsewhere. I spend most “work days” at home with our two-year-old.
I completely agree with you, Emily, in your conclusions regarding what God wants from women. However, as of late, I have been much more fulfilled in my roles at what would traditionally be considered “homemaking” than I am at nearly anything else. I would highly encourage you (as well as other readers – male and female) to read RADICAL HOMEMAKERS by Shannon Hayes. The basic premise is that this whole idea of separate spheres for men and women is a product of the Industrial Revolution and acerbated by post-WW2 America. Before then, men and women shared (happily and proudly) the role of homemaker, which was a term associated with contentedness and pride, not derision as it is today.
I’m not your typical homemaker type: I’m a terrible baker, an even worse “decorator,” and my floors are always dirty. But these days, I find little more satisfying than preparing a meal for my family or having a house full of clean laundry. Saying that to my twenty-three-year-old self would be like scraping nails down the chalk board, but after working for many years and being a wife and mother for a few, I find that the tasks that have a definite beginning and end and a clear (if still relatively inconsequential) purpose and effect provide me with the most motivation and sense of self-worth. What I look forward to most as I grow older is continuing to evolve and learn more about what it means to be a woman and what it means to be His.
Well said, Sara!
I, also, have the best of both worlds, working part time and being home for the kids in the afternoon, making dinner, doing laundry, but also carving out time in the morning before work to do Burnside and write. I feel very balanced, but it has taken me a long time to get to this point, to be so accepting of my own version of what a woman is, which is really just a person, when you think about it.
I want to read that book you mentioned.
But honestly, my laundry piles have no definite beginning nor end, so no motivation there
I like this. I don’t think that the bible teaches that women should only stay home, that’s a cultural idea. What gets me every time is that most women, for the entire history of humankind have worked, and oftentimes worked more, to provide money, food and shelter to their families. It’s some weird wealthy first country idea that women should stay home & play housewife. Poor women sure as heck don’t! And my mother, grandmother, great-mother, etc. all contributed hard cold cash to their households (my mom was a teacher, my grandmother was a dairy farmer and my great grandmother ran a boarding house). I’d like to think that, when I become a mama, I’ll do the same thing. Only seems fair. (BTW, if you think you can afford to stay home, awesome sauce, my sister in law stays home and is an awesome mama, most of my friends don’t and they’re awesome mamas too).
That is a very good point I failed to take into consideration. It’s largely only wealthy women who have the luxury of doing this. Not necessarily Desperate Housewives wealthy, but American, food in the fridge, money in the bank, car in the driveway, 1/3 of the world does not live like that, kind of wealthy. Thanks for pointing that out!
Hollah! Girl, preach it! Can you write one on the fact that it’s okay for a man to be a stay-at-home dad and for the WIFE to be the breadwinner? Not that my family is structured that way, but those folks get flack too.
Great post! I completely agree. I saw this in Margaret Feinberg’s thread on female presidents (where I left a lengthy comment supporting this). The inconsistency of this view is what amazes me. Not to mention, many of the men who support this position are not even capable of supporting their wives and families financially. If you want to toot the “I’m a man” horn, back it up by taking the responsibility that comes with it….
Great thoughts in this post.
Thanks Dan!
Incidentally, the Greek word for “work” is the same as “slave.”
Another interesting look at words: “stay-at-home” vs. “breadwinner” – Doesn’t “stay” connote a sense of inactivity while “winner” a sense of worth?