A Farting God

Blog, Essays, Featured — By Eric Allen on April 9, 2012 at 9:08 am

Every living thing on this planet to my knowledge has an exhaust pipe if you will. Thus I conclude that in theory God does too. I have no verifiable evidence to support this assumption but I’m sticking to my story.

This morning for some reason or another I was busy telling my Chinese girlfriend that I was amazing and I even extended a rather grandiose comparison to myself and said in a Larry David style that yeah in fact I was a little little bit like God. She’s a sharp girl and retorted, “but God doesn’t fart.” I with a serious face said yes of course he farts honey.

He does fart . . . Right?

I said he does everything else that we do. He has big parties with plenty to eat and drink. Surely he farts after that. He walks beside green pastures. He provides for his family. He has sons and daughters. He listens and speaks. He loves and hates. He even kills. God’s pretty darn human if you ask me. Colossians tells us that Jesus was the image of the invisible God. Now I’m sure he ripped a few on the fishing boats next to the doubting one named Thomas and the boisterous one named Peter. I can’t support this but you’ll just have to ask the methodical farting tax-collector named Matthew or the young quick penned fart child named Mark. Or hell even the one who is supposed to ask his patients about flatulence named Luke.

The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom wrote Solomon. I’m sure that if you heard God fart it would make you wise.

Ask Job. Job knows at least in a theoretical way that God farts on people as do I’m sure most of the prophets.

Anyway it’s just something to think about. Maybe it makes God more personal today or maybe it angers you to think of God so human. I don’t know. But I kissed my girlfriend goodbye and told her that sometimes when I smell her perfumed neck that that sometimes makes me think of God.