The Arrogance of Charity
Essays, Social Justice — By Linda Brendle on April 9, 2012 at 10:52 am
I’ve been getting a lot of “social justice” input lately. In addition to Christian’s blog which focuses a lot on the subject, a friend lent me the movie The Help, another friend lent me the book by the same name, and Blockbuster finally sent us Blind Side after months on the waiting list. All that input gave me a lot to think about. I had at least one awake-in-the-wee-hours morning along with several unproductive session at the keyboard trying to organize my thoughts into something coherent. After working for several days on a post about the lack of choices available to the disadvantaged, I realized how arrogant it was of me to try and understand the problems of those who have never enjoyed the privileges I have. I also realized how arrogant we privileged sometimes are in our acts of charity, assuming we know what others want and need without giving them a choice.
Thanksgiving is a time when we traditionally focus, not only on our own blessings, but also on the needs of others. Food drives spring up all around, and the evening news shows truckloads of canned goods being donated to homeless shelters and food banks. I can’t count how many jars of peanut butter, boxes of macaroni and cheese, and cans of tuna I’ve purchased and donated over the years. I’ve handed out bags of food at a church Friendship House, and I’ve helped pack and deliver boxes of food in the community. But I’ve never asked the recipients if they liked tuna or if they were allergic to peanut butter or if they wanted ham and turkey for Thanksgiving.
Another choice those of us with privilege take for granted is what we wear. Most of us have at some time in our life been given a gift of clothing from a well-meaning friend or relative. Maybe it was a hand-me-down, or maybe it was new, but it was offered with good if misguided intentions. Although you accepted the offering graciously, you thought I wouldn’t wear this if you paid me or I look terrible in this color or That style went out a decade ago or That looks like something my grandmother would wear. But what if you received all your clothes that way? Abilene in “The Help” had a sack full of clothes that were given to her by her employer. That sack sat on her kitchen floor throughout the story, reminding me of the arrogance that assumed the maid would be grateful to receive a bunch of used “white lady clothes.” My grandmother supported herself in her later years by caring for wealthy women and their invalid mothers. She once complained about the dresses her employer insisted on giving her.
“They’re nice clothes, but they’re all butt sprung.”
I also have a friend who was going through a very hard time several years ago. She talked about how grateful she was for the generosity of her friends.
“They’ve given me so many clothes, but I can’t wear a lot of them. Some things are very nice, but they just don’t fit, and other things are pretty worn or stained. Some things work fine, but I really look forward to the day when I can choose my own clothes again.”
Lack of food and clothes are symptoms of a flawed system, and many of us work to change that system, but do we really get to know the people we’re trying to help? Going back to “The Help,” Skeeter risked a lot to write a book she hoped would bring about change, but after months of working closely with Abilene, she didn’t know one of the basic things she wanted, some books from the “white” library. And the civil rights activists staged sit-ins at Woolworth counters and demonstrated for voting rights, but they didn’t know what was important to Abilene’s friend Minny.
“But truth is, I don’t care that much about voting. I don’t care about eating at a counter with white people. What I care about is, if in ten years, a white lady will call my girls dirty and accuse them of stealing the silver.”
It never occurred to her that her daughters would have a choice to be anything but a maid, but she did dream they would one day be treated with the dignity and respect they worked so hard to earn.
The NAACP raised the issue of choice in “Blind Side.” They were concerned that Michael had been the victim of a huge plot, not to give him a better life with more choices but to coerce him into playing football for Old Miss. Leigh Anne had given Michael choices: he wanted to be called Michael instead of Big Mike, he wanted to wear rugby shirts even if they made him look like a giant bumblebee, he wanted to stay with the Touhys because he had no place else he wanted to be. But the accusations of the NAACP made Leigh Anne realize she might have been too pushy and ignored his wishes. As they sat on the curb outside a Laundromat, she asked.
“Do you even want to play football?”
He grinned at her and said, “I’m pretty good at it.”
When he returned later to complete his interview with the NAACP, he said to the rep, “You never asked me why I wanted to go to Old Miss.”
It seems that even the organizations whose purpose it is to broaden the choices of their constituents can be guilty of the arrogance of charity, of assuming they know what the disadvantaged want and need. Until we learn to sit down together and listen to each other before we jump into action, I think we’ll all continue to be at a disadvantage.
Tags: Charity, Social Justice, The Blind Side, The Help
14 Comments
Thanks for your words. I think they are very timely. How we help people is just as importnat has that we help people. The medium is the message, as they say.
I serve often with people who live outside, and this comes up again and again. I heard of one guy who was talking about how there is so much charity during Christmas time. He asked one of the church folks who were handing out stuff why they were doing that. They said they wanted to show that they cared. He said back to them that if they really wanted to show that they cared, they should come back in February. The point being that everyone wanted to be charitable at Christmas, but not when people needed it the most.
If there is one thing I have learned in serving people (and the more I serve the less I know, it seems), it is that if you want to help people, especially on a local level, you had better take time to listen to them first.
Luke
Luke, thank you for your comment, and thank you for the good work you do for those in need.
blessings,
Linda
Linda, this is well said, but it’s the NCAA, not NAACP.
James, my husband pointed that out to me when I originally posted this on my blog. I changed it there but never changed it on my original. I guess I need an acronym editor! Thanks for your comment.
Blessings,
Linda
Our food pantry in Newport, Ore. is set up as a (tiny) store. Clients get a shopping cart, and help with the shopping. They choose what they want from the shelves. They also tell the volunteers what they can use and why. Like their kids will eat canned corn, but not something else. There is also a freezer for meats, etc.
There is a H.E.L.P. Center established for students in the school district, with school supplies, but also clothes and whatever else possible. Now it is opened to the families of the kids. Our church just collected and donated a lot of clothes, some shoes and purses. And the deal was that they couldn’t be worn or stained clothes, either. The people come and pick out what they can use.
Nan, that is awesome. One year our Friendship HOuse set up a “store” where parents could come and shop for their children. It felt much more loving to me than just making the decision for them. Bless you for you work.
“I realized how arrogant it was of me to try and understand the problems of those who have never enjoyed the privileges I have.”
I don’t understand this point your making. Why is it arrogant to try to understand? I understand the other points you made but, not this one.
good point, Danielle. It would have communicated more of what I meant if I had said “it was arrogant of me to assume I understood.” Thanks for the thoughtful comment.
Blessings,
Linda
What is the “butt sprung” (how descriptive!) equivalence of canned goods? The mister and I recently worked at a food pantry, and we were appalled by the number of EXPIRED and BASHED IN cans the “generous” Christian gentry from our church donated. It was embarrassing!
So glad you bring these things up. Keep writing!
Beth
Yes, Beth. I heard the same type of comments about the condition of clothing items that were donated to the Friendship House at one church I attended. The workers said it was really embarrassing. Thank you for the comment and thank you for caring.
Blessings,
Linda
Thank you for this post Linda. I can relate to Luke’s comment, in that the more I serve, the less I feel I know–and that’s an uncomfortable place for me to be. I agree wholeheartedly with what you are saying. And I also have a concern that too much asking what people want will turn me into Santa Claus.
Where does prudence end, and arrogance begin? That’s the question I find myself struggling with these days. I can feel the temptation to run away from arrogance, at the cost of doing nothing–but that would be a cop out on my part, and I’m not willing to do that. It’s a fine line we walk, and I believe it is impossible to avoid stepping off the line to one side or another. Perhaps that’s okay, if we find we spend most of our time on the line–or at least balanced between the two sides.
These are good questions. Thank you for making me think.
Thanks for your comment, Matt. Yours made me think, too. I think we can be fairly confident that we are doing the right thing as long as we are careful about our attitude towards those we help. If we think we are superior to them, anything we do will be wrong, but if we think of them as brothers and sisters, equals in the Kingdom, we will be much more likely to do the right thing.
Blessings,
Linda
Thought this was great! I think about this a lot as I do activism or charity work. I read a book called “Let the Poor be Glad” which kinda started getting me to think this way, along with another called “When Helping Hurts”
Honestly, its so hard to know whether our help hurts, is not useful or if its actually good. Sometimes I think it is worth attempting to help, just for the sake of believing you are making a difference, hopefully growing into a person who will help in the right way. But, we don’t want to hurt when we help (like some claim is the case with pouring clothing into Africa, ruining their chance to develop a textile industry).
I am currently reading Irresistible Revolution, and there was a page or two that stood out to me, talking about truly knowing the disadvantaged. We might help the poor and be commended. But becoming poor to really align with them? Entering their world? Entering the world of a victim of trafficking? Or entering the world of the maids in the movie/book The Help? That is frowned upon. But becoming friends with- not just having programs- this is when society changes. Which is so hard to do. I live in rich suburbia. How do I enter into the lives of the disadvantaged? Yes, I can help from here. But I am not friends, I don’t truly know those I am helping. Do I move away?
And these are the things I struggle with. I guess our first challenge, is what you are saying in this post, though. Don’t assume you know the best way or right way to help. Don’t assume you understand!
http://www.AverageAdvocate.com
Thanks for your comment, Elisa, and for caring enough to struggle with what to do. I think one of the keys is to see those we help, really see them as people. My husband and I are retired and live in a small town. We go to lunch most week days at the Senior Center. Some need the food itself, but most come there for the companionship. Many live alone and need a hug or someone to listen to their stories, someone to make them feel like they still matter. I think whatever we do, we need to find a way to build individual relationships. I know it seems overwhelming when there are so many in need, but like the story of the boy who was throwing starfish back into the ocean, we can make a difference to at least one.
Blessings,
Linda