On Being Penny
Burnside Sells Out, Essays, Featured — By Penny Carothers on April 13, 2012 at 7:00 am(Note: Penny Carothers is the Social Justice Editor here at Burnside Writers Collective.)
“Wow – you make me look like hot shit!”
This is the text message I sent to Don Miller, in 2007, after I read through the screenplay of the film adaptation of
"Penny" and "Don" on the Blue Bridge at Reed.
his best-selling memoir, Blue Like Jazz. The screenwriters had created a character based on me, who Don was telling me was “the hero” of the film. Less than a minute later, his reply popped up on my phone.
“Pensive! You think I made you look like shit? I’m so sorry!!!! Not my intention!! Let’s talk!” (Don uses lots of exclamation marks in his texts.)
I called his same old number from back in the day (no, you can’t have it) and he picked up immediately.
“Pen-wah, how are you? Are you mad?”
“Of course I’m not mad, you dork. I said you made me look like HOT shit. Like, wow, I’m really awesome. I mean, I’m practically Mother Teresa.”
“Oh.” He laughed his same throaty laugh, his relief apparent. “I’m so glad.”
Tonight, five years on, Blue Like Jazz the movie is opening in theaters. And Hot Shit Penny is about to be viewed by a lot of people – which I am thrilled about. It’s a great movie, and I’m so proud of the people behind it. Above all, I feel incredibly honored that the screenwriters chose to put God’s concern for justice in a character named after me. But how I feel about the film is complex, mostly because of the further notoriety and the impression the film gives that I’m some kind of social justice superstar.
Here’s the thing: I’m really not hot shit. I’m ordinary. I had a lot of passion (and a lot of self-righteousness) when I
Ten years and two kids later.
was twenty-one, but these days I’m a mom with two kids trying to figure out how to live a meaningful, generous life as a person of privilege — complicated by a mortgage and college savings accounts. I’m no Shane Claiborne, no matter how much I wish I could be. The answers aren’t easy anymore, and sometimes I’m not sure if that’s because I’ve sold out or just grown up.
There’s also the simple fact that I feel ambivalent being in the spotlight. I don’t quite know what to do with the notoriety, especially since I’ve not worked for it at all. I still haven’t gotten used to the “Oh, you’re the Penny?” look I get from time to time. I usually mumble something like, “I know, it’s weird, isn’t it?” and fumble with my hands. Even though I’m sure I would like whomever I am talking to, I find it difficult to be normal. I wonder if they’ll go home and tell their friends, and especially whether they want to talk to me only because I’m notorious by association. It brings back all the insecurities about friendship I’ve had since I was a kid. Once again I’m a little girl in a new school trying to make friends. Only, somehow, now I am the person people want to talk to…and that just feels strange.
When I saw the movie last week during the pre-release tour Don mentioned that I was in the audience and I just barely lifted my hand above my head to say hello to everyone. As I thought it over, I realized there is a certain pride in my reaction. Why can’t I be generous with my “Penny-ness?” Personally, I’ve always wanted to meet Sam Lamott, Anne Lamott’s adorable baby boy featured in her book, Operating Instructions. He’s a beloved character, but he’s also a person — and no longer a baby. All the same, wouldn’t it be cool if he embraced it and made all the Lamott fans happy by letting us get a glimpse of who he is (and he may well do so…I haven’t got the chance to meet him yet)? The fact is, I do enjoy knowing that people like me, or at least the paper and now film version of me. From time to time when I feel nervous about a big gathering I think, “If these people knew I was Penny from Blue Like Jazz they would think I am cool.” And I feel better. I have to ask myself: what does it hurt to acknowledge that God has a ridiculous sense of humor and enjoy it? And….what if by focusing on my own reaction I am missing what God is offering? What if we all have the chance to grab onto even the uncomfortable parts of the life we’ve been given and choose to enjoy the ride?
Over the last decade my reaction to being a part of the Blue Like Jazz phenomenon has gone to both extremes: from obsessively googling “Penny Blue Like Jazz” to hear if people like me or not to feeling grateful that God has used my story. I’m starting to land on the grateful bit now (finally…I’m almost half-way into my thirties) and I can’t help but feel awed to think that if Blue Like Jazz has sold 1.5 million copies, then at least 1.5 million people have read the words that God said to me in the dark of a French dorm room: “I have a better life for you, not only now, but forever.” I hope they know that these are words for them, too.
Now, the movie “Penny” sends a different message than the book: live your live and your faith for the least of these. This is the person I want to be. And so I’ve been wondering…what if we could capture the energy around the film to motivate people to embrace the kind of un-flashy, unglamorous work that justice is built on? What if we spent (at least some of) our resources not on flying to exotic locales to do justice work, but on the ground here at home? I know there are many people out there, like me, who yearn (at least theoretically) for a Simple Way faith, but find themselves in a Middle-Class Way, trying to live differently, but getting distracted by the many, many things vying for our attention. I find myself wanting to use the Blue Like Jazz bandwagon to further the conversation about being the hands and feet of Jesus, right where we are.
And so I wonder…what if that’s what God is offering? Don Miller may have given me some kind of notoriety, but above all he has offered me the chance to say to the people who see the film, I am like you. I struggle to know how to make a difference. Yes, I yearn for security, but above all I want Jesus, and I want to be a blessing. I want to know how to love and sacrifice in God’s way, not out of self-righteousness or to be able to show off, but to do it for the love of God and love of people. What would that look like? It might be time I (we) found out – together.
***
If you haven’t had enough of Don Miller or Blue Like Jazz after you see the film, look out for the piece I wrote for this month’s RELEVANT magazine on Don, the movie, and turning real life into fiction.
One final note: I love the portrayal of doing good far away in Blue Like Jazz….my point is simply that it’s not the only way. Going to India changed my life – but I’m not going anytime soon, and I’ve had to figure out how to be a blessing right here.
Tags: Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller, Social Justice
60 Comments
Penny, it’s your humility and honesty that makes you hot shit. No matter if you’re 21 or 31. Thanks for sharing and thanks for being yourself and for making BWC a great place to be.
THanks Michael! It was fun!
Penny, I was at the BLJ premiere at the Bagdad Tuesday night and saw you up on the stage and thought that it must be incredibly awkward to suddenly be put in the limelight like this. But it sounds like you’re dealing with it with grace. Peace to you.
Thanks Phineus! It is incredibly bizarre!
First of all, I concur with the comments by Mr. Bobo and Phineus. Also, I resonate with your comment: “to motivate people to embrace the kind of un-flashy, unglamorous work that justice is built on? What if we spent (at least some of) our resources not on flying to exotic locales to do justice work, but on the ground here at home?” I am in pre-production of a documentary I’m making that aims to do just that. It is a documentary that illustrates how ordinary people (like us) can help end human trafficking. I have noticed that too many people are paralyzed by what they feel is their “ordinary life” thinking only people who are hot shit can make a difference. When in reality, it is precisely the collaboration of thousands (or millions) of ordinary people that is needed to actually bring down the big business of sex slavery. Thanks for this encouragement.
Emily, I checked out the website, and very, very cool. I’ll be keeping my eye on what you all are doing.
Thanks for taking the time to check out the blog, Penny. Oh, and I failed to mention that I’m making this documentary in the midst of my very ordinary life. I work 40 hours a week in a dull grey cubicle! The job is not so dull- usually quite demanding. And I’m praying I can take the time off when needed for filming. We start the bulk of our filming in September! (And October – March is the busy season in this job) And ABOVE ALL THAT I am grateful for God’s blessings and for His Faithfulness. I have peace that He will make a way.
Penny, this was a beautiful post. Thanks for your honesty. I resonate with wanting to be more and do more in the midst of a complicated adult life. Your blog post here inspired me today. I’m so glad I got to read your story in the book, see it on the screen and see this post as the story continues. Blessings to you!
Thanks for letting me know…it’s amazing how self-referential this life can be, and I appreciate your words.
Dear Penny,
Really have appreciated your openness and graciousness and “real”ness. Don just showed off what was there.
God bless you even more,
Cyn
Thanks Cyn…..very kind of you to say.
Anne and Sam Lammott are speaking here in San Francisco at the Herbst theater in a few weeks. And I think he co-authored his mom’s newest book. So you may get your chance.
Penny
I loved your comment above “The answers aren’t easy anymore, and sometimes I’m not sure if that’s because I’ve sold out or just grown up”. It resonates for many of us who are in the middle of the journey (mid thirties to mid/late forties) cause if we are honest with ourselves and our faith, the only thing that hasn’t changed is Jesus.
Selling out is what those who “have” all the answers would lob at us. Growing up is the realization that God is so much bigger than the box most of us had him in, and that the “formula” that evangelicalism had sold us is not one size fits all. That God’s word is not altogether prescriptive but so much more than that. I see it everyday in the kids that I work with in a camp setting. His love for them is what changes them, not me hitting them over the head with a method of behaving. Growing up just means that we have admitted that this world and faith journey is not meant to be check marks in a multitude of boxes.
This a great description of what I felt when I read the quote from Penny’s article that you describe. Selling out/growing up is how I feel too at times. But I also know that I have realized (in growing up) how big God is, and how small our boxes are, and they are in fact OUR boxes and have nothing to do with how God works.
Good words, Rob. Thank you.
And Lana, why haven’t they been telling us this all along?!?
Aww, Penny, you are a blessing right here! And you’re a blessing for being just as confused about what being a blessing means right here, right now as the rest of us struggling middle-class mamas. <3
That makes me smile.
I would love to hear more about your concept of Simple Way faith. It sounds refreshing!
Whew….where do I start? The gist: we’re all trying to figure it out, and it doesn’t look one way like I used to think it had to. Maybe I’ll finish a book about it in the next ten years….
Check out the Parish Collective until then. 
ANd this for commenting!
Thank you.
Go Penny. You know that old saying, “People will forget what you say and what you do, but will never forget the way you made them feel”? My take is that the fame of the BLJ Penny has happened because of that relationship between you guys, and the way it impacted Dons life – look at the impact it’s having now! Many will be inspired by that. We often think at the time our acts of encouragement and kindness are intangible and ephemeral, but this shows that the concentric circles of those acts can reach a lot of people in time. I’m so inspired, you’re terrific. And normal. Thank you!
And you inspire me! I love how that works!
loved hearing your perspective
Sincerely,
also an ordinary person
Thank you Dana. All us ordinary people need to support each other.
Penny, I’m so glad I didn’t know you were *The Penny* when I met you. I had already read the book and could of easily gotten flustered by celebrity. Instead, I got to have a seafood dinner pier-side with the organic Penny…a woman with compassion and conviction towards me, something my heart will never forget. I think notoriety brings people to us that think they know us. It can’t be helped, I suppose. But who you are in the quiet places…as a mom and daughter we are tested in this daily…will always matter most. I wish you all the support and connection you need for the ride of motherhood in the USA as well as the new notoriety. PS Can’t wait to see the movie this weekend!
Thank you Jenny! I loved that day!
I read this book and others of Don’s in the past few years. The film isn’t available here yet, but I’m hoping it will come. Good that you have changed and grown. If you’re like me, I’m always trying to figure out why it’s taken me so long to figure some of this stuff out. But that’s just the way it works.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. Your honesty lets me see that others are struggling with what life is supposed to look like too.
Thanks for writing Pam. It’s so true, but sometimes we need people to tell us to really believe it. So, thanks.
Penny,
I think you are the best book/movie character of all time. Don is right (as he is about everything) you are sooo hot poop. BTW, I was wondering if you could maybe hook me up with an agent or a publishing deal for my book of Biblically-based daily affirmations. If not that, maybe just lunch with Don and a couple of his bestselling buddies would suffice. If that doesn’t work, I guess maybe Jordan Green would do, though the last time we hung out, all I got in return for my literary genius was a hangover and not the stacks of greenbacks the Lord is calling me to claim. Based on the book, it’s obvious you have a great heart and you MUST be super-connected, so I truly believe it’s God will for you to introduce my inspired words to the rest of the Kingdom. And I’m sure you feel the same calling that I do to . . . unless you’re outside of God’s will for some reason. If that’s the case I’ll pray for you and serve as your accountability partner until you are walking with Him again.
Let’s do coffee soon!
Blessings,
Your biggest fan
Oh, Stephen. I’ve been laughing about this for days.
I’m not sure why this made me cry but I love your honesty. I’m glad you’re “starting to land on the grateful bit.” Surrender and let God work through this story that includes you. Oh, and I especially like “I want to know how to love and sacrifice in God’s way, not out of self-righteousness or to be able to show off, but to do it for the love of God and love of people.” The last several months God has brought me to my knees working on this. Thank you for your post.
Thanks be to God.
I love this piece on ambivalence and acceptance and all. I can’t wait to read YOUR book. AND I exchanged two sentences (but they were good ones) with Sam Lamott last month, and you two would like each other, I think (from my limited encounter).
Love that! I wish I’d been with you (mostly to be with you!).
Thank you for this. Your words are grace-filled and gratefully received. Thank you for being you and being a good friend to Don. You’ve both influenced a lot of people.
Thanks for saying so Niki.
Aw, Penny, this made me tear up. I’m so honored to have gotten to know you — the real you — even just a little bit. I know that you have so much more to share, and I’m really looking forward to your book.
PS: I got to hear Anne Lammott and Sam tag-team a reading in NYC a few weeks ago. It was super cute. She’d whisper to him to read louder, and he’d tell the audience that she was mothering him even on stage.
I love that image, Stephanie. I so wish I was going to see all of you at FFW!!!!!! I’ll miss you. And, thank you.
Oh, dear Penny — Shane Claiborne is no Shane Claiborne. We’re all so very ordinary. Go you for using your weird, beautiful platform for good!
P.S. — apparently Mother Teresa was no Mother Teresa, either! <3
Thank you Lori. I am smiling…
Thanks so much for this. I totally feel you. I went to college with Shane Claiborne and didn’t turn out to have the same calling as him, and I always struggle with that, comparing myself to him, wishing I had a Simple Way life or wishing I was in overseas missions, but knowing God has called me to ministry in American suburbia (ugh! Why God, why? I cried in the movie when your character talked about India and wanting to get back there.) I could go on and on, but let me just amen you. And from one mom to another, pray… Jesus, help us to live God’s Way, wherever and whenever He places us.
Thank you Kathy. Sincerely, thank you.
“but these days I’m a mom with two kids trying to figure out how to live a meaningful, generous life as a person of privilege — complicated by a mortgage and college savings accounts. I’m no Shane Claiborne, no matter how much I wish I could be. The answers aren’t easy anymore, and sometimes I’m not sure if that’s because I’ve sold out or just grown up.”
I’m not a mom yet, or a character in a book by don or by anyone, but i do resonate with this sentiment very much. many of these same thoughts cloud my mind as i decide what is necessary, or helpful, and what is the world confusing the Truth in my heart.
this is a great post, Penny. and I have to say I wish I had not seen you as “the Penny”, and idolize your character from the book. when i met don, it was the same way. but obviously riding your bike across america with a person helps you to see their humanity. that they are an ordinary person living life just like me. but either way, you and don are both inspiring. because of your genuine voice. your boldness. and because you share your thoughts with the world through writing and allow others to connect with you.
thank you for this post. and i hope we get to share stories about our friend don sometimes. i am curious to know how he really was in college.
erin perkins
Absolutely Erin. It needs to happen.
I’m sure that it must be awkward having people see you as your character, but quite honestly, after reading and seeing BLJ, my thought was “wow, I would love to hang out with Penny. Not because she’s hot shit but because I bet she’s really a lot like me, just further along in this journey.” I think we’re all trying to find where we fit in the world, each with our own ordinary-ness. So yeah, if you were pointed out to me, I would think you are cool. But then I might awkwardly ask if you would go out for coffee or drinks so that I could hear more about who you really are and what you’ve learned in life. As someone searching for truth, I’ve been encouraged far more in my search by talking to the ordinary and extraordinary people in life and hearing their stories and questions than by going to church. And in my opinion, being one of those extraordinarily ordinary people makes you just as much of a hero as you are in BLJ.
I’m smiling so big. And I”m sure I would love to talk to you! I’m so fortunate as to have this weird situation put me in contact with really cool people. Anna, you should find me on Facebook. K? I’d love that.
I’m so glad I found this post. I used to (not long ago either) believe that it was really easy to make a difference. But it has gotten complicated for me. My own personal agendas and happiness have made things muddy, not to mention the complexity of issues of justice. I’m learning how well-intentioned efforts often have disastrous consequences. These are important issues for me though, and I am committed to wrestling through them. Posts like yours encourage me to continue to ask questions, and pursue justice. Thank you!
Yes! Intentions are not enough – they are often worse! THANK YOU!
Okay, I obviously need to read your blog.
Thank you. I’m still trying to find my voice. Maybe that will happen and I’ll be more consistent in my blogging.
Penny, how accurate is the portrayal of Reed in the movie? During the movie, I kept thinking it was over the top, but I’m not so sure it was.
Absolutely accurate portrayal of Reed. And not crazy enough in many cases. Also, not enough studying – but that gets boring to watch. My first comment when I read the script was, “They captured Reed.” Such a crazy place.
Penny, the best thing about you–and about Don–is that you are ordinary people, with the same fears, struggles, concerns, as the rest of us. (the part about parenting, but wanting to make a difference resonates with me). But as the cliche goes, “God doesn’t called the equipped, he equips the called.” So, he called, you guys answered, and Boom! (not everyone answers).
Your example gives me great courage. So thanks for that, “ordinary” Penny!
Thank you for writing this. I watched the film yesterday and enjoyed it very much. Doing some research today on the film, the characters, etc, brought me to the burnside writers collective where I read your post here. I also read your interview with Richard Dahlstrom which is fun, because my sister, Katie Walker, works at Bethany Church! Small world! Anyway, thanks again for your post and I look forward to exploring more of the entries here at the Burnside Writers Collective.
This may sound strange, but I wish I could observe you and Don. I am a subscriber to Relevant and just finished rereading your article. Your 10 reasons intrigued me. I have a guy friend, actually he is a best friend, and everyone who doesn’t know us thinks we are together, but we aren’t. We really struggle with our friendship because that image haunts us with everyone new we meet. I cannot seem to find another friendship like ours, and it is killing me. I feel like what I am doing is wrong. I search and find things like the Boundless Girls Guide to Marrying Well, that tells me that girls and guys cannot be friends because one, usually the girl, always wants more. My church even thinks we are together. Heck, his mom thinks we are together. We have talked and the spark, or whatever, is not there. I guess I want to say Thank You. Thank you for making it okay for me to be friends with a guy without making it romantic.