Waiting in Line for the End of the World: A Product Preview/RevelationEssays, Humor — By Chris Cate on May 8, 2012 at 5:45 am
Hidden from view behind a Carl’s Jr. billboard and masked from the senses of search dogs by Axe body spray, an evil public relations team is huddled around a conference table chugging 5-hour energy drinks and plotting world domination. Much like any attempt to rule the world, their plan is destined to fail and result in the complete destruction of our planet. But unlike the story arc of a movie with the science of a comic book, superheroes are extinct and thus unavailable to restore the order we’re about to lose.
I probably should have included a spoiler alert earlier than now to help prevent an end-of-the-world run on the banks George Bailey couldn’t stop, but who doesn’t already know the Mayan people and the Book of Revelation both say something about something and the end of the world happening soon? So allow me to warn you now that I’m about to reveal the plan by which the aforementioned PR team will destroy the world.
Start looking for a doomsday prepper to friend on Facebook. An evil PR team consisting of Subway’s Jared, Progressive’s Flo, the E-Trade Baby, Verizon’s Can-you-hear-me-now Guy and the Aflac Duck among others is planning a merger of Nike and Apple.
I know. You’re probably thinking a Nike/Apple merger sounds great. A mega-company that willfully goes by the name Nipple couldn’t possibly be bad. The bigger the better. A set of those companies would be a perfect Fortune10 company. And who wouldn’t want to see a worldwide Nipple advertising campaign on television, the Internet, park benches, city buses, highway billboards, football jerseys, happy meals, etc.? What could go wrong? Well, let me tell you.
An airborne virus isn’t going to cause our extinction. An atomic bomb isn’t going to blow up the world. Ice caps aren’t going to melt and drown us all in a cold bath – the worst kind of bath. The invention that destroys capitalism, overthrows governments and creates irreversible anarchy will be the Special Edition Air Jordan iPad, to be released this fall.
Whether or not the SE Air Jordan iPad is what John was referring to in the Book of Revelation when he described locusts that were given power like that of scorpions remains debatable. Unfortunately, few debaters will agree to play devil’s advocate out of an abundance of caution.
What is certain is that the SE Air Jordan iPad will be a great product. Five stars. ***** We’ll finally be able to run faster while jumping higher. We’ll be able to play Angry ‘Larry’ Birds and win every time because we’ll each have a personal hotspot. And even if one of us couldn’t do a 180 dunk or even dunk at all before the SE AJ iPad, we’ll soon be able to do a 1080 Dunk in HD video, which we recorded ourselves while having our trash talk dictated. Additionally, and most controversially for bloggers, extended battery life will allow us to watch Space Jam over and over again while actually enjoying it.
The SE AJ iPad’s hype will be revolutionary because it will literally kick ass. After the product announcement, tent cities of people will begin waiting in line at stores worldwide. Grocery stores will carry it. Gas stations will carry it. The Amish will attempt to grow it in their fields. Quickly, tent cities will grow into tent countries and into tent dictatorships and democracies until we are all living in tents and World Tent War IV is upon us by October.
On the day of the actual release, the world will end. I’ll spare you those details because you wouldn’t understand them anyway. The best I can offer is that the Book of Revelation uses few metaphors.
So why am I telling you all of this and who am I to know the future? My roommate Owen was a grip on the set of a Nicolas Cage movie filming in Mexico. He overheard Cage explaining to men in dark sunglasses that the movie was a cover, as have been all of Cage’s “movies,” which explains a lot and is perhaps the best argument for the validity of the information. Cage was in Mexico to decode a Mayan prophecy carved into the mountain where the “movie” was being filmed. Cage told the men everything he had learned and Owen heard it all. Shortly after Owen told me all this on the phone, he went missing and now he’s presumed dead. I’m telling his story for him. I also aspire to be a product reviewer so I can get new products first and for free.
Owen didn’t think Cage had figured out the PR team’s motivation. He thought the plot began around the time Joe Camel left the public spotlight and that Spuds McKenzie’s death was likely related. Apparently, Volkswagen’s Darth Vader Boy has infiltrated the evil PR Team and an army of Chick-fil-A cows is being drafted for combat. But the end can’t be changed, only how we get to the end.
The SE AJ iPad is happening. Enjoy the time you’ve got. Public relations is the art of war, world war.