Blood Diamond
Essays, Social Justice — By Michael Green on May 18, 2012 at 11:43 am
I had dinner recently with a group of friends from church. Mostly single men, and the conversation, as it’s want to do, turned to marriage and women and dating. Someone made the comment, “Women at our church put a one-carat minimum on engagement rings. They won’t accept anything smaller than that.
“And single women always ask their engaged friends how big their rings are,” he added.
His comment shocked us. We hadn’t heard of this requirement. I couldn’t imagine being a newly engaged woman and having a friend ask me that question. What if the ring didn’t measure up? Would it diminish the glow of the engagement? The conversation ended when one man noted, “Meanwhile, we’re raping the poorest countries in the world to feed our greed and materialism.” There was nothing to say after that. He had spoken the truth—a sad truth—and no Lakers game on TV could lift the mood again.
My church has become very affluent. The parking lot of cars has become unrecognizable from what it once was. Some of the diamonds I see being worn make me do a double-take. I need to clarify: There’s nothing wrong with that. We should aspire to grow in our jobs and vocations, to make more money and support our families. But there’s a balance one needs to find. I worry, as the church grows, it will resemble other megachurches around the city—or country, for that matter. Cheesy stage decorations, twenty foot crosses, see-through pulpits. Preachers who put hairspray on their heads.
It’s been my experience, attending numerous churches during the past seventeen years, that preachers don’t hesitate to come down hard upon men. For being passive and shallow, immature and hesitant to grow up…looking at porn. Men rarely get a free pass, and that’s a good thing because those charges are true. I’ve seen men reject women for the silliest and shallowest of reasons: nails being clipped too short; wearing unflattering shoes; ear lobes that were too small. We are overly picky when it comes to dating—and need to be called out on it.
What I’ve also noticed is that preachers are far less likely to criticize women for their issues. Maybe it’s because there are few women pastors and men feel bad for picking on a woman. I don’t know why. But so many times I’ve heard women complaining about men, how they won’t date a woman unless she meets certain weight and breast size requirements, yet some of those women remain stuck in their own superficiality. Ring sizes, breast sizes…what’s the difference? It’s all the same sin.
A friend of mine (female) recently said, “I’m selling out my sex, but I’ll tell you two horrible stories. I have a friend who slightly upgraded her ring without telling her husband (actually, he was a fiancé at the time). Another friend hasn’t worn her ring since the engagement night, saying she just wanted a band. But really, the diamond on the engagement ring was so small she was embarrassed.
“When you sit and think about it,” she added, “it is just embarrassing for both sexes…to make judgments based on such shallow things (breast size, ring size). And that it has become acceptable.”
I agree with her. It’s shameful for both sides. I feel for the man who has worked his butt off to buy his girlfriend an (if slightly small) engagement ring, only to have its worth cut down by the judgment of his fiancé’s friends. And I feel for the woman who has known rejection because her nails were clipped too short, or because her ear lobes didn’t quite meet the standard.
My God, how did we get to this point?
Tags: blood diamonds, Church, materialsim, superficiality
12 Comments
Wow. I can’t say I’ve personally encountered what you’re describing (at least not THAT particular manifestation of shallowness–maybe because I live in a scratch-a-living-out-of-the-dirt rural area), but I would guess that you’re right–female pastors (or other godly female leaders) would do a better job of calling women out on that sort of silliness, and guiding them toward better behavior. Strong role models of your own gender are important, and many people don’t really think about the fact that we’re lax about allowing women to speak into people’s lives on Sunday mornings. It makes a difference.
I can’t help it. What the hell is wrong with these women?!
I wear the sapphire my husband bought me 20+ years ago with pride. It’s all we could afford. We chose it together.
If I couldn’t accept what he was able to offer then, within his budget, I’d have missed out on life with a man I still adore.
Thanks, Jenny Rae and Mary Beth. Your comments are great.
mjg
Wow. This is another case of “can’t believe people live like that” head shaking. This is just not even in my wheelhouse of experience and my husband and I have lots of Christian friends male and female. I am curious if this perhaps is a CULTURAL thing… Do you live in the south? Texas? A wealthy suburb? I’m all about addressing the cultural concerns of your specific congregation so I think this might be a case where your pastoral staff should/could address this problem. Maybe you want to schedule an appointment with them to address the matter?
And I hate to be nitpicky but I actually disagree with this statement & wanted to note that it implies you have some of your own cultural bias towards materialism: “We should aspire to grow in our jobs and vocations, to make more money and support our families.” Because… Uhm, no. God doesn’t really care if we make more money. It’s not about balance, we just shouldn’t care about making money. Work hard? Sure. Support your family? Awesome. Buy them a boat? Eh, not.really.necessary. I have plenty of flaws, but wanting to make more money/have more things has never been one of them <——- see, pride right there!
/end.rant.
Your last sentence was one of the funniest I’ve read in a long time. Was worth being rebuked just for the laugh it gave me. I guess my defense would be: make more money=supporting family. Boat not included.
Oh, and I live in Los Angeles. It’s good to be grounded in a city known for authenticity and humility, not like that wealthy Texas suburb you mention.
Hey, as a Texan, I resent that. I have lived here all my life (sans Army deployment), and have never encountered the kind of superficiality described above (ear lobes and 1-carat minimum). Boob size, of course, I have seen a lot of that kind of discrimination, but it’s not just Texas.
Excellent article, Michael. You ask great questions here.
i think the standard is that you have to be part of a group before you can make fun of it. i went to college in waco, tx. hopefully that buys me (at least) some license to pick on the state.
I think the problem is less a male/female thing but more a materialism thing. The problem you specifically mention regarding engagement rings could just as easily be applied to some men’s loves for fast cars or great golf clubs. However, both gender’s problem here is essentially the same.
We live in a society which says “If you work hard enough, you can get whatever you want.” The problem is not enough churches are saying “Hold up a sec, that’s exactly the opposite of what Jesus said.” He said, it’s not about us.
As Michael puts it:
“We should aspire to grow in our jobs and vocations, to make more money and support our families. But there’s a balance one needs to find.”
Maybe the church should be more challenging about that balance. About the number of hours we put into our work for example, for what? A better house, a better holiday, better presents for our loved ones? Is that really the lives we are called to live?
More than material issues or male/female issues I believe it boils down to pride issues and lack of humility. As C.S. Lewis puts it “Pride puts no pleasure out of having something, only having more of it than the next guy”. Materialism puts emphasis on the object, pride puts the emphasis on competition and superiority, dangerous ground for any “believer” who in essence worships a false god.
Great read!
I think the church does come down hard on women—particularly when it comes down to those conversations on dating and marriage. I’ve many times heard of women being told specifically to wear one-piece bathing suits instead of bikinis, that their skirts were too short, or that their shirts were too revealing. I’ve even heard that buttons are bad because they’re suggestive. Interesting that now women are being criticized for wearing something too big!
I also found the phrasing of the parallels fascinating. In the scenario of the ring, it’s the friends not the fiancé who is doing the rejecting. In the scenario with the nails, it’s the actual person in the relationship doing the rejecting. Also, in the scenario of the ring, does the fiancé dump the guy over it? Because in the scenario with the nails, the girl gets dumped. The ring and the body part may be linked by superficiality and shallowness but it gets dicey to bring in materialism. The ring may be about materialism, but is the body part? It’s dangerous to compare an object to part of a person….
That said, I completely agree that women need to get their priorities straight. Why is it the first thing a woman does when she gets engaged is put a picture of the ring up on Facebook??
Nothing says love like a big fat carat on your finger. My husband (I’m a female) bought me a three stone ring that by itself is beautiful. Because, he told me, the three stones stand for: “I love you yesterday, today, always.” This was a stretch for him. He hates diamonds. The significance of the ring means more to me than the size of the diamonds in it. He couldn’t afford anything ginormous and that’s okay – I didn’t marry him for the material possessions he could give me. I married him because I love him and only him.
And, in my mind and the mind of my close friends – size doesn’t matter (insert “that’s what she said”).
I gotta say, that a guy takes a risk buying a ring without any input from the girl. After all, she is the one who will be will be wearing it and it really should match who she is. Maybe that sounds shallow, but if a girl ain’t flashy, she should be able to want just a band and he should be grateful he doesn’t have to dump a bunch of money into a rock.
Just sayin’.