Little Talks
Essays — By Daniel Ordonez on June 29, 2012 at 6:56 am
A week earlier I had emailed Adam, our church college group leader, expressing my desire to become closer with the group. I explained that the only way I thought this was possible was for me to be completely honest- I told him I was gay and asked his advice on sharing with the others; I told him what it was like growing up in the Catholic church and attending a private Christian school, being scared of who you are; I told him what it was like to be rejected from the community that reared you and what it was like to finally feel like you have a group to welcome you back.
His response was loving, in ways I wasn’t expecting. He respected my honesty and admired the courage it required. He acknowledged the difficultly and worry that did, and still accompanied my willingness to be truthful. He went on to say that I would always be welcomed as a member of his group and that regardless of orientation, God loves me. He thought it would be best for us to sit down and talk further about sharing with the rest of the guys.
–
I pulled into the pink and beige strip mall and tried to find a parking spot hidden in the corner- I knew it wasn’t going to be easy given my inability to keep down a meal since just after Christmas. I tried to pull myself from the tan leatherette seat of my MINI four times before I was finally able to break the shackles of my anxiety and walk to the small, Mission Valley coffee shop. We figured this location was the half way point between downtown, where I lived and Tierrasanta, where he lived.
I sat at one of the green tables out front waiting for Adam to arrive. After I noticed him pull in I got out of my chair to approach him, we hugged then went inside to order. He offered to pay with a gift card he received over the holidays- I remembered to order light: an iced passion tea and no pastry. We found a table outside amongst the man reading a newspaper and women in skirts eating salads. As he spoke my finger played with the condensation that layered the outside of my clear, plastic cup.
“Does your family know?”
“Since I was 19,” I replied.
“Have you shared with anyone else from the group?” He asked.
“Brandon and Matt have known for some time. They are both incredibly supportive but wrestle with the ideas of homosexuality they have grown up with.”
“It’s clear they love you and want nothing for the best for you,” he assured. “What has your experience with College Group been so far?”
Readily, I said, “It has been good. It’s the first time I have ever sat with a group of peers and felt like I could say anything about myself and be respected. There’s a small comfort in hearing your friends talk about similar struggles as your own.”
He asked if I was prepared for some guys in the group to not be as accepting as I might hope.
“I can’t keep hiding,” I said.
–
Every Sunday, as we walk into the Kearny Mesa auditorium where Flood is held, we are handed an artfully designed, tri-fold flier with announcements, prayer requests, and the verse to correspond with the nights message- I get excited on the Sundays they give us a quote that also pertains. I usually arrive a few minutes early and while the wooden, stadium-style seats fill, I look through the announcements- on a Sunday in late April I noticed there was a position available at the church offices and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to become more involved with the church, not to mention it was just in time for a summer job.
I requested an application the next day and the office secretary emailed one right away. I was sitting at my studio desk when I received it and immediately started to fill it out. It started with the basics: name, address, past employers. It then went on to ask about spirituality and my relationship with Jesus followed by my top five strengths and qualifications. I then entered my background check information and listed three references- at this point I was confident in my chances. I signed my name and clicked save. It was then that I noticed there was an additional page titled “Flood Integrity Statement”- this is the part that listed the rules I would follow if chosen for the position. I read through the statements that called for stewardship of time, talents, and resources; honoring God through modest dress; abstinence from excessive drinking, pre-marital sex, pornography, and homosexual practices. My fingers froze and the cursor stared me in the face, my heart sank to my belly. Not knowing what to do, I reached over to my phone, found the contact for Adam and dialed. I explained my hesitance in signing the document and asked him to clarify what constituted homosexual practices.
“Can I have a boyfriend?” He responded, “No.”
“Can I flirt with a guy?” Again, “No.”
“Can I hold hands?” The hesitation in his voice was noticeable as he voiced the last “No.”
Before ending the conversation he asked if I felt the position meant enough to deprive myself of those things- in that moment of defeat and shame, I didn’t have an answer.
I hung up the phone and wanted to disappear. I felt like the kid that didn’t get picked for middle school sports- not because I wasn’t good but because I had black hair.
This was the first time I was unable to do something because of who I am and it came from a community that I had reluctantly put a lot of trust in.
–
Shame has the potential to be a powerful thing and for nineteen years I hid behind its empty embrace and false comfort. Being honest with myself required an amount of courage I didn’t know I had and I hold not a single regret in the decisions I have made. The last five years have taken me far but I am nowhere near where I need to be. Over time I have noticed that homosexuality is rarely a topic of discussion among my friends in the church and this scares me. There are so many places where conversations are erupting and voices are being heard. While some groups are tearing walls down it feels as though people around me are building them up- grouting them with the certainty of their ecclesiological ideals.
There lies an injustice in asking people to deny their identity; asking them to promise not to love another man, another woman. Those words push people into dark closets of shame, repressing the life we are meant to live. There lies a responsibility on me and people like me to start the conversations, to harbor those words and push them beyond to definite claims about what it really means to be gay in the church. It is our responsibility to share our stories so that others can share theirs.
Every Sunday, for the last two and a half years, I have hidden as I walk into that high school auditorium. I quietly listen to and wrestle with the messages directed to my heterosexual peers and their significant others on a lone front. It is with this writing that I make a bold vow: I will no longer allow myself to be quieted by the integrity statements of those who do not understand the kind of love I share and to proclaim that companionship within the church as a gay man does not go against what God wishes for us.
–
Three weeks ago, the last time I attended Flood, there was a gay couple sitting three rows in front of my friend Matt and I, their arms positioned in embrace as they worshiped. This image gave me great hope: there are others like me and there is plenty of room in the church for people of all sexual orientations.
Tags: Catholic Church, Ministry, orientation, Small Groups
11 Comments
Daniel, I am sorry you are feeling rejected. but I do think you are mischaracterizing the position of the church that you almost applied to work at. Their position is that homosexuality is sinful behavior. Clearly you don’t agree, but that just means you’re not a good fit to work for them. It doesn’t mean they reject you as a human. There is a profound difference between your belief and theirs on this topic. Just as you expect others to respect your right to not view homosexuality as sinful, it’s only fair that you respect theirs.
He’s not “feeling rejected” James, he WAS rejected, purely because he’s gay, and is not willing to live the life of a monk. The Bible never said two men holding hands was a sin. So the churches position is that homosexual flirting is just as much a sin as homosexual sex. Do you think that’s fair? Do you think they hold straight employees to the same standard? No flirting, or holding hands, in case it leads to pre-marital sex? Very doubtful.
You talk a lot James about everyone respecting everyone else’s beliefs, and you seem to be accusing him of not respecting the churches, just because he was hurt over his rejection. We all know that you think homosexuality is a sin, but this belief does not mean you can’t respect a person’s feelings.
Emily, your tone is harsher than I would expect. I’m not trying to make Daniel feel bad, nor cause trouble, nor raise a ruckus.
I feel that when he said he felt like the kid who isn’t picked because of his hair color, he’s making an analogy that isn’t apples to apples. Some Christians believe that homosexuality is sin. Nobody believes that about having black hair.
He is entitled to believe what he chooses to believe, but the church, or really any employer, is entitled to their own set of beliefs. If I were to apply at Planned Parenthood and get turned down because PP and I have some profound differences and I don’t support their mission, I would understand.
There are plenty of employers who would love to have Daniel, and who do not have a major philosophical difference that would prevent him from fully supporting their mission. To apply at one of the few employers who doesn’t fit that category, then acting surprised, saddens me, to be honest.
That sucks. It’s not an easy thing, and my heart goes out to you.
Whatever the church or the world accepts or rejects, approves or discourages about you, remember that your identity is ultimately found in Christ, in His grace and truth and crazy love for you. Your current body, your lifestyle/orientation, your career, your money, all of that is passing away. None of it is eternal. Jesus made that clear over and over. Sexuality too, as even marriage ends at death, he said. If you are grasping that as your identity, you are grasping at straws. It’s not just a problem for gay people either. I know several straight guys who can’t get over sexual frustrations in their present or past (divorce, rejection, loneliness) and are letting those disappointments define them and their worth. All lies. That straw will all be burned up and the time and energy they spent on it will have built up no eternal value, no treasure in heaven.
That is a real shame.
Find identity and your wholeness in Him, in relationship with Him and with the other eternal beings that surround you.
Daniel,
Thank you for your courage and your transparency. Please don’t listen to anyone who tries to use Christianity to disqualify you from serving, all because of your “desires.” I’m sorry that the church handled your application the way it did, I am currently in the process of leaving my church over similar issues (a good friend of mine was kicked off the worship team for being gay, while another good friend going through a divorce was allowed to stay.) The church has a lot of growing to do, but I’d encourage you to find a place that values your heart as much as it values the Bible. No one is perfect, and it’s horrible that the church feels OK singling out one subset of sin that they feel OK excluding, while ignoring multitudes more in front of them.
Anyways, I found your essay inspiring, and I’d love to hear more from you. LGBT Christians are very near and dear to my heart, so if you ever need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open.
-Emily
Emily, do you think there’s a difference between accepting him as part of the congregation and accepting him as an employee?
I don’t know the hearts of the church leadership, of course, but I’d guess there’s a chance they show him love as a member in hopes that he will be freed from what they view as sin. (I’m not interested in debating with anyone right now about whether they are right about it being sin; that’s irrelevant in this case). And if they do view homosexuality as incompatible with their core doctrines, then I think that Daniel should not take the church’s policies in ways it was not intended.
Unless every employee they have is free from all sins in their lives, then no, I don’t think there’s a difference in accepting him as a part of the congregation and not an employee. I think this is a simple case of a church zeroing in on a sin they feel comfortable singling out, because it affects so few people in their congregation, and it’s one they are uncomfortable with and don’t understand.
I think that you should try and put yourself in Daniels shoes before you try to defend the church.
I don’t need to be in Daniel’s shoes. I do agree with you that churches often single out homosexuality over other sins, but that doesn’t mean they should pretend that one sin isn’t sin.
Daniel,
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s a lot like mine and a lot like many others. Like you, I wrestle with the church institution but continue to find grace in God, who has not given us a spirit of fear, but rather one of love, power, and sound mind.
May God have mercy on us all.
Daniel,
Having recently discovered the Burnside Writers Collective, I just came upon your essay and would like to comment on it. You should not permit any religious group contaminated by ignorance and hypocrisy to define who you are. Any church that claims to be Christian and simultaneously discriminates against gay people is living a lie. Many Americans who claim to be Christian live this lie.
Consider one of the more obvious recent examples of the ability of many Christians to ignore Christ’s teachings when they want to practice discrimination or promote other immoral behavior. Many of the same people who condemn gays–despite Christ’s silence on the subject–breezily supported the invasion of Iraq–itself a flagrant violation of Christ’s teaching. Pope John Paul II unequivocally condemned Bush’s invasion of Iraq, and the overwhelming consensus of Christian theologians was that the invasion failed to meet the criteria of a just war. Bush not only ignored these moral condemnations but refused even to meet with major Christian leaders trying desperately to stop the invasion. Yet in 2004, with thousands of Americans and Iraqis already dead and still to die, the Knights of Columbus gave a fawning standing ovation to Bush, yelling “four more years!” and wildly cheering the man who unleashed the slaughter of over 150,000 human beings. No church leaders called the K of C to account for this un-Christian behavior. So you have a Christian church condemning people for whom they love while simultaneously failing to condemn an organizations with blood on its hands.
I assume that the employment application you completed did not ask if you support the killing of Arabs, or if you are guilty of promoting an unjust war, or if you yell racist slurs at a black American president. No–they just want to know if you love another man. The fact that many Christians regard homosexuality as a sin is no defense whatsoever for their use of the Christian church as a cloak for their prejudice. They are perfectly free to believe anything they want to believe, deeply or not. But when they twist Christ’s church into an institutional cover for their intolerance, or flout with impunity their own church leaders’ condemnation of unjust war, they are classic Pharisees. And it is the Pharisees who are judging you, not Christ.
The poet Robert Bly once wrote that the world would “break up into small colonies of the saved.” There are Christian communities that deliberately reject the culture of death and intolerance that has so contaminated America and the major Christian denominations. I hope that you find one of these loving communities and that your spiritual life flourishes. In the meantime, please remember: it is you who should be judging whether a community is truly Christian, and not the other way around. Read the actual words of Christ and decide whether the community actively promotes the real teachings of Christ. Read Christ’s comments on the Pharisees, then discard any fake “christian” community that blasphemes Christ by twisting his teachings into an agenda for intolerance.
Then find the joy of Christ’s real presence in the authentic love you have for God, for yourself and for others.
Peace.